Everyday

Everyday, everything feels new. It is like a new stage. It's like a roller coaster of different levels - it gets freaky when you're about to fall from a high point yet you still have fun in the end. But at some point, some days are like songs you once loved to sing however now; you wished you never knew the words.

I hate change. It takes a lot of time and effort for me to adjust to new things. Ironically, despite my apprehensions, I usually end up embracing whatever it is that took so long to get used to. It’s a bad cycle, really. I find it difficult to accept a new situation, but sometimes this difficulty is what eventually makes it all the more endearing it to me. And by the time I need to move on from it, I find myself unable to let go and unwilling to face yet another version of my life. This is why I’m frightened of things suddenly changing around me. Can be somebody or something. The knowledge that I will surely make it through brings me little comfort.

I never wanted to be at this point, who else wants to be? Right? I dreamed of happiness and felicity for everyday, every minute or each single seconds of the clock in my life. AM I SOUND BORING EH?? Hahaha Honestly, in everything I do, in everything I chose, I always first ask myself, “Do I want this?”, “Will this makes me happy?” or “Do I need this?” if YES, I’ll embrace it wholeheartedly with open arms meaning I’m ready enough for the consequences, for the pros and cons of whatever it may bring. If NO or MAYBE, I’ll turn it down and move on to the next.

I am not bragging that I can make up my mind fast. That I can visualize what may happen or which is black or white…..In fact I replay every detail that can help in my decision making and to tell you, ITS HARD, SOOO DAMN HARD!!

Sometimes life has its own way of unfolding things in time you wouldn’t expect it to be, for you to clearly understand the events. One day I feel happy, next day happier, the next day bad, then badder and then you’ll assume tomorrow will be the worth-est. But life sometimes fools you! You silly kid! You saw sunshine and rainbow eventually. Lalala~ Life’s good in a way, SEE?? Life is awesome. It makes you awe in things or people every day. It can be a good one, a success or triumph then it turns into awww suddenly, which is bad, sadness or failure.

TO MYSELF, hang on in there, it’s what you chose, this is what you wanted and needed some time to recover…what I’d rather know is how you can manage to have your whole world turned upside down without feeling anything… perhaps, things will get better. :)

Guess what?! I’m GROWING UP for the future

Making plans ahead, dreaming of pure fun, forgetting the past.

I think I’m growing up. I am someone I do not know. Influenced by outer forces, good inside but evil at times and a melting pot of contradicting values. When people get old they do more important stuff than to tell everyone about what happened to them for the day, week, month or even the entire year. I myself have not opened my blog in a while due to some errands I do lately.

There’s this quote I’ve retweeted on Twitter about looking forward and not looking back because that’s the point why God put our eyes on the front of our body. It makes sense actually. Most of us kept on thinking about the past, of the “what ifs”, of the “what could have been”, of the regrets, and the like. We forget to also remember that our past mistakes have been said and done already and that LIFE will NEVER EVER have an “UNDO” button. Luckily we can “REDO” our actions but hopefully we redo it by learning from the mistakes done and doing it right for the second or nth time around.

Saying that we are human and we make mistakes is a rotten belief already, but it is really true we do make mistakes because we are not perfect. Sometimes our environment, our way of thinking, and our way of defining things lead us to choosing the wrong and stupid options. Being selfish and impulsive lead us to wrong choices sometimes too. (At least for me) All of these choices we have made that made us realize how stupid we are ironically make us wiser, because we now know what to do and what not. It makes us grow. Believe me.

I have a lot of regrets in life that remembering all of them will hyperbolically take me few days. When I’m thinking of the times I’ve wasted, I’m subconsciously wasting my time even more. There were a few times I wanted to go back for that other page & see what may have happened had I chosen it. Would I be better off? Or would that have been the catalyst for something even worse? Who knows? The silly thing is that no amount of worrying or wondering will allow me to know. Not worrying or wondering is easier said than done. I've been thinking a lot in this manner, because perhaps it's time for a change of perspective. Frankly, every night before I go to sleep, I reminisce about my life before and yes, it makes me sad to realize that I have done a lot of wrong moves in the past; however, every after realization is a lesson always learned. Now, I wouldn’t dare put those mistakes in backtrack mode because I am now ready to start my engine, focus on the road leading me to my destination, and ignore U-turns. I've allowed myself to think in a way that isn't entirely healthy or favorable to a really fulfilling, happy life. I'm putting my foot down. Worry less. Smile more. Accept criticism. Take responsibility. Listen, love & don't hate. Embrace change. Feel good anyway. Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect; it's looking beyond the imperfections.

Past is mostly forgotten, lessons remain though. Now that it is, the future is what I have been preparing for. It makes me extremely happy thinking about future plans, love, career, work, and trips. Believe me, thinking about the future is a drug for me, it gets me high although I don’t know how it really feels like. I just thought of a metaphor here. One of these days I’ll blog about these plans. I kept on thinking about the future, of course I never forgot there’s such a thing called “living the present”. I know it would still be a rocky road ahead but EVERY LITTLE or BIG THING SHALL PASS. This has been an ongoing project of mine, I'm trying to simplify my life...I'm still a work in progress. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps…

Confused…YES! Assuming…NO!

It’s 1:03 am and I’m still up. I’m wide awake like an owl. Can’t sleep! Insomnia kicks in. There's something unnatural about this habit, yet I seem to always result to this. No plans for tomorrow. Rest is on its way. Couch potato time again.

So much for waiting for time to cease all foggy madness, I am now facing hard-core facts. I am just a puzzle of irregular sorts right now. So for now, just come up to write this one, sharing my thoughts. I just had a girl-ish mature conversation with ‘atey’ one of my close friends. To have this kind of discussion sometimes make us say that we’re growing up to the age that make us adults to understand this kind of things way much better. It takes a lot to know what life is. Sometimes we think of things the other way around. Simple actions that we may likely see something special on them yet it is just nothing. We can really assume on things that aren't real...we took it in a special way yet for others it's just quite as simple and ordinary. Warning...warning...warn…oh...warn yourself about those things that makes you assume on something...that in reality it was just NOTHING. Girls...do assume. I believe that! We are very assuming and most of the time fooled. We thought this and that, but actually there's nothing to think about because it's unreal. That’s why it’s connected into this word: CONFUSION. You face a bit of confusion on things. Some people saw it, and think about it, which made you THINK about it, too. With regard to impressing ladies, THE BEST WAY TO IMPRESS HER IS NOT TRYING TO IMPRESS. Remember, doing too much and going too far is not necessarily a good thing. Let time do its thing. Being sweeet is good, but being too sweet might not be a great idea. Therefore, small simple gestures can be much more effective than something big. I know there is a temptation to show and reward the lady that you like for who she is, but try to resist it - it will only do good to you.

I believe that everyone has expectations. Women expect too much of men, just as men expect too much of women. Unfortunately some come at a higher price than others. I'm a female and I know my worth but I don't let looks and stupid things define what I want in a man. ATTITUDE, CONSISTENCY, EFFORT, PERSISTENCE and PERSONALITY are important too! You have to step up your game and have conversation. You have to be able to interact. Communication is the key to everything and even the outside the world it still plays a major role. My conclusion: we can really assume or not?? I don't know yet if it's real or not but it’s a way wiser to think that it's not. It's wiser to guard our heart. To choose not to think about it anymore and realize that yes, there are other things to think other than that. Though I'm still confused and bothered about the truth...yet it's safe to say that: ASSUME NOT! ;)

Luxurious sleep should be attained as well, to promote a healthier lifestyle and a paced heart. So, I shall retire. :) Off to the mattresses I go! ;p Good mornight everyone! **Sorry for this post kinda like “sabog” and for some grammatical errors…too sleepy to recheck it. Hehe

Diredirechooooo.....Realidad

Ang unang taglish blog post ko. BOW! Trip trip lang. Inaasam ko na sana kasing galing kong sumulat si Bob Ong. O baka excuse ko lang ito kasi wala sa mood ang utak ko na mag-Ingles ng tuloy tuloy. Kung anuman yun, wala nang pakialamanan, walang basagan ng trip basta taglish ito.

Naisip ko nalang bigla, bakit kaya ang dami paring tao ang nahihilig sa pagsusulat, mapaonline o gamit ang ballpen at papel. Sabagay, at least ang pagsusulat may kabuua, minsan ang tao wala! Sadyang magulo lang. May simula, gitna at dulo. Walang labis, walang kulang. May kahulugan, may nilalaman, may pinaghuhugutan - minsan marami, minsan iisa lang. Depende kung sino ang nagsusulat at depende kung sino ang nagbabasa. Naisip ko dahil sa pagiging OC ko minsan o lagi, natutuwa kasi ako kahit sa mga letra o salitang ginagamit ko kailangan ganito, kailangan ganyan. Gusto ko kasi may order, para mas magandang tignan. Na kahit papaano walang magulo. Naalala ko lang nung nagsisimula akong magsulat (dating dati pa) na puro tuldok lang ang alam ko, na tuldok lang ang dulo ng kada sentence. Ngayong matanda na ako, mula sa tuldok puro question mark nalang ang kinaduduluhan ng lahat. (Alam ko maraming sumasangayon sa akin tungkol dito, diba?!) Wala na ngang katapusan, wala pang kasiguruhang kasagutan. Parang mas mahirap, mas kumplikado, at magulo. 

Siguro.....yung magulong bagay na iyan may pinanggagalingan. Ikaw? Ano sa tingin mo?? Simple lang naman ang lahat ng bagay eh, kailangan pang pakumplikahin. May mga bagay lang talaga sa buhay na sadyang nagyayare. Ang mga pangyayari o sitwasyon na inaakala natin ay nagaganap lang sa mga nababasa natin sa dyaryo o napapanuod sa TV ay maaari pala mangyari sa totoong buhay. Nakakagulat. Di kapanipaniwala pero TOTOO. Lahat nalang may rason, may dahilan. Nature, nurture sabi nga nila. Nasa paligid lang din naman daw ang solusyon. Parepareho lang yang mga experiences! Isa itong aral na hindi dapat ipagwalang bahala. Sa mga ganitong sitwasyon alam natin na lahat tayo ay naging biktima. BIKTIMA NG PAGKAKATAON. 

Simple lang ang mga sagot. Gusto lang natin i-stress ang ating utak at magpakabusy para mabigyan ng dahilan ang lahat ng tanong sa isipan natin. Ika nga nila, yan ang DEFENSE MECHANISM ng tao. Ang saya lang eh noh!! Katulad nga ng nabasa ko sa twitter, "Same shit, Different day!" Ang lungkot no?? Kaya siguro dahil dyan, paikot ikot lang ang buhay ng tao. We go around circles repeating the same freakin' cycle over and over again. It's the run and chase game. Buti pa sa pagsusulat, you're free to express your feeling. Minsan madaming nakakarelate sa nararamdaman mo. Alam mong di ka nagiisa sa nararanasan mo, marami kang kadamay. Sarap ng ganun noh? At least yung mga salita alam nila kung saan sila titigil. Syempre, walang iba kundi dun oh, sa tuldok....tuldok....tuldok....

Pero, minsan sa dinami dami ng tuldok sa buhay mo, yung tipong kahit ilang beses ka na nagpaikot ikot sa buhay mo, thinking that somehow besides the feeling of exhaustion.....you learn something and you understand how to handle things better, eh hindi mo parin alam ang gusto mo. Ang gulo ko eh!! Hahaha Eh, paano nga ba malalaman kung ano ba ang taenang gusto mo?? Kasi, kahit ako sa sarili ko naguguluhan ako!! Pasensya ah! Ang gulo kong kausap! Haha! :P Anyway, that's why I came here for. I'm not so sure where this entry is leading to. There are too many floating bubbles in my head waiting to be pop in my head. I've written sooo much. I can't believe so much  has already happened. Life changes too fast before our eyes we barely even notice it. Still, I am lot more thankful for my blessings!! Ngitian lang ang buhay!! FIGHTING!! :))

New Beginnings

The job went so much better than I ever could have hoped. I've only really been looking for 2 months and have had several interviews. It's official! Welcome to the world of Employed! Thanks goodness! I'm not a bum anymore. Today, marks my third week of training, and the onset of the flurry of headaches and information overload I shall expect and deal with. It's a 9:00-5:30 Monday through Friday and sounds like a really great opportunity. I've been a little bit of an anxious wreck during this whole process and am so glad to finally have something to do fill my days. And, that's my news. Thoughts of previous training and tasks....discussions, exams, call sims and sanity everywhere. Time to deal with all I've left behind now. Even, though it's a BIG new world for me--from nursing to banking & finance and sometimes confusing so far, so good. As far as I know, irregularity does not kill. It may merely infuriate my beloved mental capacity at times, but still. Work science, here I come. 

My company ID! It's official! Yeyy! :)

I really hope I can get through all the trainings and be familiar with the system. So as to get a headstart on rebuilding my career life if things go as planned, I'll be happy and normal by next year. That's not so bad, right? I mean I know it can only get better. I hope. 

So, a reform in order this year. I will be better---even if it kills me. Haha That is my personal choice and sacrifice. That is for the welfare of mine future. So, for lie low to lax dreams and chill-ness, I will miss you things sooo much. I must and shall embark on my personal journey to the straits of the unknown and the previously known, for that matter. 

CIAO!! Immaturity and petti-me-ness and hello to embellished reform.

On the other note, life goes on. Like what Kelly Clarkson song would say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Stand a little taller." On that note, I'll start my piece.

In a nutshell, this entry screams the realizations that I never thought two weeks of Citi Training would actually make a difference in my life. I used to think it was just something I'd sleep through, a little something that will bore me. But, hell no!! I was strong!! As I attended class, the magic of enjoying work unfolded right in front of my eyes. Despite being the outspoken persona that I am, I am left amazed at what had transpired for the last two weeks of my existence. I gained so much more than I could ever have imagined, thanks to my new-found friends, acquaintances, officemates and trainers for making the training fun and enjoyed. 

And then came the excruciating truth, I shared a fairly balanced parody to my burned out colleagues, and made notes on major restructuring that needs to be done. *sigh* it came as unbelievable as anything could be, but, as I say, I've lifted everything up already to HIM. :)

But at the end of the day, I still find myself at peace, somewhat satisfied with what I've accomplished so far. It may not be much, but, hey there's a progress. And that's what counts. :))

For anything else, I pray so hard that things will take a turn for the better and that life will bully me less. Then again, every development is a big step already for me. 

Closing cycles

You rarely get to read good topics or excerpts on your Facebook and Twitter timeline. Most of the time, maybe, always it would just be full of random rants, posts and shout outs everything that they're doing. Today, it's this one and sudden urge to share this is really inevitable.

I love Paulo Coelho! I love all his quotable quotes. But yeah! I haven't read any of his books maybe I will some other time. This is one of his humorous article. Enjoy!

**CLOSING CYCLES by Paulo Coelho**

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a stand still.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relieve an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass and the best we can do it is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means taking some room from other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detached yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationship that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is began, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.

Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. 

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, keep off the dust. 

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

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Closing cycles. The cycle of life is sometimes difficult to understand. Sometimes you cannot walk away and close a cycle just because it NO longer fits your life...not even when it involves SOMEONE else life. It's not right to walk away. It's not right to LIVE only your life, yeah! you have your own life to take business for but still there's someone who stays with your side...your family, friends or special one..and you continue to put your life on hold for them. 

We cannot begin a new chapter in our life if we don't accept that we need to close a previous cycle in our existence. It is like mourning to give up the past, especially when it made an impact on your life. I believe we all have the right to blast our emotions when something or someone is gone. Shredding some tears can often makes us feel better and helps us put thing in perspective. This our way out, our escape route. God has left this door open for us to step through and start moving forward. Yes! It is hard! Our memories are a part of us. They are locked deep inside us and constitutes what we are today. So the choice is to live in crazy, raw reality or live in a mirage of peaceful life. I like better to live in reality no matter what the cost is so you should wake up from a sweet dream, baby! Everything should be renewed, giving space for the future!!

The One that Got Away

I just thought that this would be nice to share...

So true, so real! It makes sense. Worth reading!

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending with someone, finding a long time partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flash-point of that fact. 

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully, you're single or be in a long-term relationship, or be married with three kids...it doesn't matter. All you know is that you have changed. And for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. 

You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?", "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?". The one that got away is - the biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens. 

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple - find him or find her. The very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder...what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee. Ask her out to a movie. It doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away". You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow. It  would be a great feeling in the end, to be able to say someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

Source: Mark J. Macapagal (The Manila Times)

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Its strange how people just walkin' in and out of your life. When you thought that they are always going to be there...FOREVER and ALWAYS. In our life a whole chapter always begins, everything changes from time to people, nothing stays the same. The existence of that "one that got away" means for me that, if you know who is that person in your life...grab them, tell them and let them know before its too late. Tell him/her that you will loved and respect him/her forever and you're scared of getting old without them. 

So am I that person?? Kind of, no, maybe yes, I am. :)) Don't we all wish something "so good" could stay forever? Don't we all hope that happiness is there to stay? Just always remember that if you lose someone today, it means God has planned someone better is coming tomorrow.  I'm just a girl who saw through it all and I kinda figured out who my "one that got away" is. I'll just find him or he is looking for me maybe he is just out there from nowhere. How about you did you find your "one that got away"?? :P

"Don't be the one who searches, finds and runs away." - Paulo Coelho

It is unusual me...PARANOID!

"There is no escape from the necessity to think."

There are things that I would just keep forgetting.

There are things that I should stop thinking and worrying my ass off too much.

There are things that I need to believe, convince myself everything would be fine and then, I'm just become too pessimistic which I hate.

There are things that are far more important than what I am thinking about.

My mind's preoccupied with a lot of things...Worrying a lot and over thinking! Sheeesshh! :'(

I am trying to get strength. I am trying to take my mind off things. 

So, STUPID MIND, stop worrying, wondering and doubting about things, making yourself confused and lost! Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned but just how it's meant to be. STOP BEING PARANOID. 

"Trust, Have Faith!"