Moving On

Heyy yow my dear blog readers! Thanks for stopping by. I've moved to WordPress. 

If you want to read more of my updates (movie&book reviews, food reviews, travel, rants and ramblings) and have a glimpse of my new blog. You can check out the link below:

ofinksandpapers.wordpress.com

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There’s a brief moment when you first wake up where you have no memories --- a blissful blank slate, a happy emptiness. But it doesn’t last long and you remember exactly where you are and what you were trying to forget…Each of us has memories. Good ones and sad ones. Unfortunately, our mind is mostly filled with the sad ones. It’s easier to keep sad memories because it comes with a scar. Good memories come with laughters and they all fade away. Every night, before we sleep, we have to remember all these sad memories because before we sleep, we think about people we care about and miss, but we lost the chance of holding again. Nobody really wants to forget these memories, but nobody wants to remember them either.

“With one blast it had taken out his insides. And that too made her throat ache, although she’d heard of worse things. It was that moment, that one moment, of realizing you were totally empty. He must have felt that. Sometimes, alone in her room in the dark, she thought she knew what it might be like. - Louise Erdrich”

Succumb

It is so hard to feel okay, to look okay and to tell yourself everything's fine and cool when it really is not. There are days when I’ve just given up on myself, given up on all of this, given up on everything that used to matter. I give up because I’m tired of fighting, tired of pretending it’s OK, tired of believing that there are winning moments to wait for. My life lately is a bit of a blur. I don't know where to go...what to do...what I want (to be)... It's really darkness. I see most of the things in obfuscate way now, unclear and not pretty in sight. One day I just knew, that maybe after all the backbreaking, it’s still not good enough. I viewed my way in a vivid positive manner; hence, I shall not fear nor cowardly carry off stuff. I know that there is a bigger story beyond this, that there is so much more bound to happen, that one day I’ll know that I did the right thing. But for today, just for today, I give up. Days have passed, occurrences were in existent, but compare to other days I had throughout this living, nothing was perfect and nothing did ever come grand as I expected it to be. Consequently, I thought, perhaps, I expected gigantically good is going to happen and by which circumvent me afterwards.

I give up today, and hope that I have hope for tomorrow.

"Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out
Sometimes there's bllsht that don't work now
We are God of stories, but please tell me
What there is to complain about?
When you're happy like a fool, let it take you over
When everything is out you gotta take it in."

Behind It All

Did you ever wonder that anything – perceptible or imperceptible, existent or non-existent, visible or invisible, fact or fiction – has an explanation, reason, theory or mainly a purpose? Everything! Has a reason behind. The laptop in my table stays there for a reason, there is a reason why your cellphone got stolen, why people walk away from you and you became strangers, why you have this life, setting aside the truth…your bias in choosing a blue shirt for whatever color you chose…THERE IS A REASON. That’s why I believe in the adage that, “Everything happens for a reason.” In everything lies a purpose. Some, we simply know in advance, while others would take a moment before we realize, before we become fully aware of it. I love surprises!! I love surprising myself. I have this habit of placing money bills in between pages of books, notebooks or even pockets of bag. Time pass and I would forget where I had placed that bills. But when I need it, BOOM! It pops up! What can I say surprising myself is indeed helpful? Why do I make fun of myself?? Using these non-sense tricks?? But mind you, sometimes I hate this. I know that everyone experience this feeling, it is when-you-need-something-it-nevers-shows-up and when-you-don’t-need-it-it-flash-in-you-face. I would always tell myself that on everything that happened, and will happen, there lies a reason and purpose. Probably now or soon it will make sense to every detail in my life.

Each day is a page that we ride on. Our destiny is all written, but the beauty of it, is on how we will make it happen. It’s like a movie; we are our own director, the actor/actress, writers and even the audience. Yes, there are second takes, but of different kind, different effect and of a different twists. We have our free will to choose what makes us human, and what defines our individuality. These external factors only contribute to how we achieve our goal and in the end it’s still our own decision that will make a change. Only YOU can lay your cards.

C’EST LA VIE!!

COSMOS

Time check, it is almost past twelve, 12:42am to be exact, it’s already dawn and all the people are already in deep sleep and here I am wide awake with no signs of sleepiness at all like an owl. O.O I can’t sleep!! Maybe this over thinking is the culprit for ruining my precious body clock.

Anyway, I have nothing in particular I’d like to say. I just wanted to write or to type and hear the keyboard clack as I do. The itch is back. LOL :)) This itch comes and goes. My head is swimming in gigantic thoughts and ideas. And I hate it!! I can’t stop thinking or rather over thinking. So what’s the goal/priority? I want to build myself a career. I can’t say I started treading the wrong path because I invested time and effort where I am now, learned a couple of things --- patience for one. Often we want, what we desire is something we keep deep inside of us…something so dear and so special, it feels too scary to let it out into the open. It’s our own little secret, and therefore, safe from harm. But maybe we have to let those secrets out in order to actually really live. The fallout from those secrets being revealed is often hard…or sometime surprising and maybe even inevitable.

We all feel caught at some point or another between choices. Like one once said, "Freedom of choice is what we want. Freedom from choice is what we need." Having choices, at first, feels exciting, but after a while it can also be overwhelming, like we're trapped with no clear way out. If you're lucky you might find someone is there to catch you when you finally escape the web. But most of the time, it's harder. Some people get caught between their secrets and wanting to do the right thing...while others are caught between their desires and their ambitions. I was faced with a tough decision, for sure. But I no longer felt caught between what I wanted and what my dad wanted. Do everything you can just to get what you want. Do everything you can, not because you have to but because you want to. And more importantly, do everything you can because that you deserves much more than those effortlessly thrown shots and often misused and empty words. I realized this was my life, and I wasn't going to have any regrets.

Too many options or choices can kill a man. My brain can kill a man, too! Bigtime! Brain owner included. I cannot firmly decide on which action to take when my shitty brain won’t stop creating branches of options for options for more options on which concrete route to take. And this limbo is slowly and silently beginning its process of killing me. Where do I start? How will I start? What is money without the feeling of fulfillment? I need to find a way to get me out in this kind of dilemma. Or anywhere near that point in the triangle. Do I need a sign? Oh, yeah I need a sign!! I need someone to push me harder. I need faith in my ability. In God’s plan, in myself, I’m calling out the universe, please connive and give me a tiny boost. And then I promise to take it from here.

“If you want something so bad, chase after it. Don't saunter. Don't stroll. Don't even brisk walk.”

I Have Story to Tell

I love stories. If you gave me unlimited time to anything I wanted. I would spend it all devouring stories. I could be reading or watching something. Either way, I’d be very happy. The way we tell stories have evolved over time. In the early time, people just passed them on with the spoke word. Now there are more than few methods to go about it. Because of existence of this highly technical gadgets in this geeration, stories can tell in many means, can be through e-books, audiobooks, podcasts which is mostly convenient to all of us, anytime and anywhere.

Film has become a very popular way, probably because it’s too easy to sit back and absorb something with very little effort while enjoying yourself as well. Back in the days, I’m a person who always prefers viewing something over reading it, because I’d readily enjoy something ragher than have to imagine it for myself. But now that perspective change, I love both. I personally do enjoy reading just as much as I enjoy watching. :))

We all have stories to tell…stories about love, hope, pain, holding on, letting go and moving on…we smiled, we laughed, we cried on and over these stories. Stories allow us to experience things that are completely different from our lives. It’s part of human nature. It’s part of the transition. The irony is that we often judge a piece of work by how well we can relate to it, even when the setting or plot is so bizarre to us. But that’s probably the secret to a great story — we have to go through all these to teach us to recognize, to understand, and to appreciate our existence. It is how deeply affects us, despite our distance from it. How I wish I had all the time to read, to know and to watch all the great stories in the world.

Not another teenage post

It's one of those days wherein I feel impatient with my life. Routine has always been one of my pet peeves and I hate being trapped inside one, it feels like sucking the vigor and verve out of me. I hate waking up every morning not being thrilled about how another day will go on. Probably, history is just repeating itself for I remember having the same disposition in college. Maybe it is a bleak stage after. I swear to God I'd kill for a twist right now. Sometimes my interest in this freakin’ so-called life faded away. I hardly find neither the strength to keep moving forward nor the will to continue in spite of the obstacles. I found it can be very boring at times.

Okay! stop complaining, Cai!!! This is the chosen path in the very beginning and I shall complete it. All I need now - McDonalds Chocolate Sundae to bring some sweetness and to relieve the stress. Leave regret, move forward. Tomorrow another better day. ♥ Anyhow, if I've overpassed it before then it won't be a problem to do it all over again. Patience. Patience. Patience. More so because I now have better things in my little pocket in the occasion of rainy days.

Another 12 months and 365 days in progress

I know, I suck! I haven't blogged in a while. I wonder if there's any 'blogging juice' left in my brain. :P I'll only briefly apologize for the lateness of this post, which I meant to have written up within a couple of days of it happening. But I'm just a 'little' girl reveling in a break, so I got lazy and am just now getting to writing it up. But anyway, excuses, excuses, right?? Hihihi

Congratulations!! I've made it this far! With that trending "end of the world" thing...Naahh!! Sure 2012 has been a hard and tough year; yet I survived it!! Clap! Clap!

2013 is fast approaching, and whenever a new year is on the horizon I get a bit nostalgic for the one I am about to close to chapter on. I tend to think about all those things I did or didn't accomplish, and look forward with hope and wonder about what opportunities this year will bring. Another 365 days are ahead of me. What's in store of me? I don't know what God's plans are for me. But whatever it'll be, I know it would be for my own good.

My 2012 started out quite rough. There were so many challenges I needed to face that almost put my spirit down. It was like a machine gun firing continuously at me, and the tough part was I didn't die with the first, second or third shot...It wasn't anything like the real thing. I had to endure all those bullets being shot at me. There were so many things going on and being my normal self who is an optimist, it was not really a pain in the ass. {Sarcastic me! I'm human too! I feel pain! Hehe} Still, I'm thankful! It was not like I had the world's biggest problem. I know I'm still blessed compared to others.

It's been a crazy year. I'm sure this applies to a lot people. There are many reasons to be thankful for what you've brought about, but at the same time there are also plenty of reasons to be pissed off. I've had my fair share of trials and tribulations with you but I can honestly say that I don't blame you. There are many things that I've learned from you. There are many things that I picked up from the pain you've brought about but also many good memories from the smiles you've brought to me.

Looking back at those hard times, it made me somewhat proud of myself probably because I was able to face them rather than cry in one corner or run. I feel like giving myself a big, big pat on the shoulder now. Haha! :)) Looking back, it also made me realize how God truly loves me unconditionally. Though, I wasn't really giving my all to Him, He did....He was still faithful with his promises even though I wasn't really in complete obedience in the past years. He was (and is) answering my all-time prayer: to not give up on me, no matter what, even if I have given up on myself and on Him. There were moments I felt like not seeking Him, but he was still there. He never left and that was what I truly needed, not a timeout with Him. It was God who carried me through all life's obstacles for the past years. I'm sure he will do the same thing, even more, this 2013.

Then it took me to a cloud, you brought me up so high. Met new friends along the way. You gave me hope; gave me something to believe in. Inspired me and reminded me of what it's like to have faith, to believe in something you can't even see, to fight for something that you truly think is worth it.

Last year was not just dark moments. I still had my fair share of life's ups and downs. My family received a handful of blessings before the year ended. I was able to discover something I can do, career-wise. I had accomplished, even not all, more than what I had planned for the year. Yeeeyy!! :D I made new friends, great friends actually. Most of all, I made a lot of realizations and learned many lessons before the New Year kicked off.

It taught me fear, reminded me of trauma and reminded me that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to, no matter how hard you believe in it or no matter how hard you fight for it. It taught me that there are some battles you can't win, that no matter what, friends and family will always be there for you. They will stand with you through thick and thin and they will support you no matter what how hopeless you may seem to them. They will always have your back as long as you're in the right path and that they will give you advice even if you don't seem to pay attention to them.

Reminiscing how I've lived my life, I've realized I'm still missing out a lot in life. I want to do sooo many things and I promise myself that I'll do my best to achieve it!! This year, it wouldn't be the same thing. I want a "new" year. It's not about becoming new.....I just want a better me. I want to look at life from a different perspective. It just feels good when you feel good about life whatever it brings. Life doesn't need to be perfect; it just needs to be beautiful in our sight, and we can choose to see it this way. Well, this 2013 I've got another year, another 365 days to fully embrace and celebrate life's beauty and goodness, to choose happiness every single day. I guess that's not so hard to do. While we cannot change the things in front us, the things of the world, we can change our outlook on life: to appreciate more and complain less; to thank God more and question Him less; and to love and live life to the fullest no matter how tough the world may seem.

With that, I say goodbye to you 2012.....I thank you for the lessons you have taught me, the people you've brought into my life and the trials that you've given me. I say goodbye to you with a smile on my face not because I'm glad that you're over, but because I'm glad that you've left me several lessons which I have yet to learn.

So today, we face a new beginning. A new hope was given to us. We have to set our minds and hearts for what is about to happen. As long as we have faith in God and we believe in ourselves, nothing is impossible. ;) This year let us make ourselves better, wiser and bolder. Cheers to confidence, maturity, witty and love. Always remember that this 2013, a new journey awaits. For those who were part of my 2012, THANK YOU for sticking around and let us continue this little journey that we started. I will greet 2013 with a big resounding hello and I can only hope that it's as great as you've been to me. 

2013 here I come!!! Just walk, talk and enjoy the roller coaster ride. :))

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! HAPPY 2013!! Let's welcome it with a banggg!!

**Sorry it's kinda long for first entry this year! Too many thoughts to share.**

IRONY

Have you ever felt that feeling of anxiety mixed with displeasure by what you see and hear around you? That you get soaked up in a web of disbelief that you yourself do not know what to accept as true? That you just want to break away from everything and breath? Sure, nobody is perfect. That is what a lot of people claim. And that is what most of them use as an excuse in perpetrating enmity.

The need and want of a person is a dilemma at times. Self - fulfillment is also a matter at hand when choosing between the two. BUT for what's worth, I believe that happiness should be of great consideration on any situation.

Neutral is like telling yourself to be in the side and not to be on it. Have the guts to choose, whatever makes you happy, be ready for the following consequences.....life can never be too exciting one's you do not try to do something. :) Just be sure to yourself if you chose this, you're ready to fight for it till the end. We never learn too much.....

As people grow older, we tend to have better taste in things like proper choices in words and actions. While others progress, some never do. They merely project their immaturity through less simple objectives like poor judgment of situations and even to the extent of pulling people down for the sake of their selfish selves.

I've written so much on my planner for the past months. I can't believe so much has already happened. And now year 2012 is almost over. Life changes too fast before our eyes barely even notice it.

I'm not so sure where this entry is leading to. Hehehe :)) But after a long long while, I seem to have some "guts" to pour out feelings or rants out in the open again. Or maybe I'm just doing this to pacify myself. There are too many thoughts running in my head I might need that basin Dumbledore used to alleviate my mind of too much thoughts. HaHa

And anyway, you can never really force yourself to grow up before your time. PATIENCE does the trick. 

And, I'm patiently waiting and silently being a little more cautious and a lot more thankful for my blessings. Counting each and every one (including YOU) as I post this entry. 

Thank you for holding and being patient self!! at the least of all things to be thankful for. Learn to live a life of class.....Keep simplicity at its best that as if you handle it!!

Just an Encouragement

Do you find it hard reaching your dreams? Your likes? Your wants? Are you tired of waiting for miracles to happen? Or perhaps are you losing hope? LIFE may seem sooo hard, a long roller coaster ride and different but please.....NEVER GIVE UP!! You know, reality is, you won't meet all your goals, or do what you want to achieve right when you want to. Sometimes other forces get in the way, or it was just not your time to shine. It happens! And I'm here to tell you.....IT DOESN'T MATTER. 

That's right. It doesn't matter. It's about how you play the game and how you use your focus. When you look back on your life, what will you say? "I tried." or "I gave up." I know being OPTIMIST all the time is hard when life become unfair -- that same thing happens over and over again. But remember no matter shitty and crazy our life is, it is what it is. Keep working! Keep trying! Keep moving and don't stop! The only true failure is when you stop. We should know how to deal with it, make difference and permit yourself to look beyond the brighter side of your life. Just KEEP FIGTHING!!!

"Win as if you were used to it, Lose as if you enjoyed it for a change."

This season's frequently asked questions

I haven't updated my blog lately...I have so many things in my mind to write about that actually piles up in my subconscious mind. I'm sooo sorry I'm just too busy studying for my boards! My schedule is too jam-packed. No off days yet! :( Anyway, at this moment I'll just give my brain cells a short break from all the info's and medical terms I had this day! LOADED! So for now, I will share a little boring ramblings in this post! WAARNING!! Haha

Still want??!! Please continue reading.

Since, I've been receiving too many invites and coffee dates from cousins, bestfriends, college barkada and ex-officemates this post is kinda connected with it. However, I feel sooo loved and appreciated all their simple "Hi!", "Hello", "How are you?" and "I miss you!" they say, texted or tweeted me. :) If only I can slice myself into many 'cai's' to meet and see all of them...Hayyyyy!!

Recently, people have been asking me a lot of questions about everything - my life, thoughts and opinions. Or rather some questions I ask myself too. Sooo...this fearless post is dedicated to all those who love me and to those who simple want a juicy scoop of my life. I thought to give it a shot!! *wink*

1. How are you?

   I'm always alive and kicking. I don't think I have to narrate here what happened in my everyday life in detail. Haha. I've been receiving this question almost every day....Up to this day, I have the same answer: "I'm okay, I'm good and always feel better than yesterday." I have been practicing stupidity quite a lot so I think it's healthy for me if I lessen stupidity and actually start being wise.

2. How do you feel right now?

   I don't know if something's wrong with this question and...I don't think I could answer this correctly. Anyway, I feel happy and love to be loved. I'm surrounded by a lot of people who truly love me and truly care for me. I must be really lucky...or I should I say blessed. Another answer could be "I feel tired sometimes...but I need to keep going." Well, you can also add, "I feel a roller coaster of emotions" to my list of answers.

3. So, what are you planning to do now? 

   Of course, to achieve my goal!! :) I know I can do this! Go on with my life and be a better person. Live my life to the fullest and enjoy what I have. Is there any other thing I could do better than that??

4. Are you happy?

   Yezzzzzz, I am!! But, I am not TOTALLY happy...Not yet! Too many things to do and to think about. Ask me again tomorrow. Hehe

5. Are you dating someone right now?

   My lola and aunt always ask me this every time I go visit her! She never fails to ask this question even though I always have the same answer to her. NOOOOO. There are those who asked me out. There was a brave soul who asked me if he could court me. I appreciate his feelings. Well, I am not closing doors. I'm a hopeless romantic and I have courage to trust love. But hey...at this moment I am not yet ready for that. Not now! I he could wait...Let's see! :) As of the moment, I wanna date myself exclusively.  You know, ME time. I have to earn something for myself first. Just like the saying, "Need to learn how to love yourself first before you love someone else." :)

6. What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

   Secret? Oh no no, but that would be kindness and just being yourself. It goes along the way. That, and listening I think.

7. How would you live your life differently?

   Take more risks! Put up with less crap from the negative people I have had in my life and get out and about in the world to experience it more.

8. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

    Not always, but I try to be. Life's a bitch and sometimes, so am I! 

9. What are you most grateful for?

    A great family and a continually developing network of good friends.

10. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

     Easily more work that I actually enjoy. Who doesn't? Believe me, being happily busy is the ideal in the workplace!

11. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

     A bit of both.

12. What motivates you?

      I really struggle to answer this one -- I guess deep down it's a 'need' to live the best life I possibly can and experience everything I can.

Life should simply be lived. Uncomplicated and fuss-free. There are a whole lot more important things to explore, try and achieve. We should live life with ounces of positivity. Less bickering. More acts of kindness.

I've thoroughly enjoyed considering questions and creating relevant answers. But, you know, Time! Time! Time! If in any case another question pops out, I'll edit this post and answer it. :) 

Bittersweet Symphony

My life as I know it is evolving by the second. I can barely catch my breath chasing after every millisecond that passes my way. For what it's worth, this is a fresh start for me. On the other hand, it may mean my demise. 

In general, I can say that I'm physically strong all my life. You won't find me stationary for a long time. There's always something that I would do because if not I think I would die. I would be running around, meeting with friends, going to different places, etc.

For a while there, I thought I was sucked into the twilight zone...and then I opened my eyes. Of course, a computer screen with monochromatic window met my ever-so-fluttering eyes. :) Ooops, I'm work! Naa-ah! But, I'm home now, was just channeling the wonders of relay and beyond! Haha

SOOOOO.....

Here's the thing, let's just straight to the point why I'm writing this entry.

It has always been a thought-provoking torment whenever I assess where I'm going in this madness thing call LIFE. At most times, I end up happy and contented with how I've seen things through different aspects, and I end my reverie with a smile and a breath of relief. Now, however, I am seemingly left dumbfounded at the thought of change starting to creep into my senses once again.

My day job, through which I came to know different things and characters, has come and GONE! Yeah, you read it right. I resigned!! It will take effect until this month. WHY?? Because, now, I'm back to my ultimate goal, to pursue what I have spent 4 years in college, career pursuance and growth, digging my half-read books, friends and pipe dreams - things I tossed in the compost heap in preparation for the so called grown-up life. Those meetings and trainings were bound to conclude, so much for waiting for time to cease all foggy madness and I am now facing HARDCORE FACTS.

But, of course, since we all know that life brings us a plethora of surprises "every each time", let me go for the gold by saying I have learned GARGANTUAN amount in those last months I spent as slave to life's effort to teach us the ropes with matters of unfairness.

The sudden urge of "change it up" or "starting over" has crept into me and sometime I am left confused...

Should I stay or should I go? Yes or No? Questions keep bugging my mind before I come into my decision. Me thinks this needs a surfeit of everything to be decided on. No spur-of-the-moment answers, I hope and I will come to the conclusion if and when I do. 

Right now I'm sad because I'll be leaving my team, my boss, and friends who loved, supported and be with...and so soon! :'( but with the thought that we will forever be in each other's hearts, I am slightly comforted. After all, the missing part of the situation will be the hardest to live with. So, a "see you, when I see you" is in session, and thank you to everyone! :D It doesn't matter what happened before, what matters is now.

I'm not all terrified of what is to come. I actually am excited. But when I really think of everything else in between, I plan nonstop and my panic button activated. Weird I am!! :P As much as I want to resolve my thoughts right here and right now, time could not be a better juror in my momentary query. So I guess my phone-in-questions have yet to be relayed in utmost delay and I shall await the no response until time heeds my call.

No matter how my life is hectic in uncanny ways, and topsy-turvy (in a good way, of course). Though life was somewhat this and somewhat that, I'm NOT COMPLAINING at all. In whatever way or form people may see how life makes an effort to make us learn what we need to epitomize in our beings I am in this for the long haul and I am holding tight until the end of the line. Who knows what will be up when I arrive? Only me and a few people will know. I don't know what else may happen in the next few days, but whatever it is, allow me to SMILE and finally put my panic button to rest. 

ANYWAY,

For whatever purpose I may responding to, I know I want this right now. So, I'll be a WARRIOR PRINCESS and be a SOLDIER in separate ordeals. As much as I would like to elaborate, I can only say that I pray for the best!!! :))

IF ALL ELSE FAILS, SMILE AND MAKE THE MAGIC HAPPEN!! :D

Diredirechooooo.....Realidad

Ang unang taglish blog post ko. BOW! Trip trip lang. Inaasam ko na sana kasing galing kong sumulat si Bob Ong. O baka excuse ko lang ito kasi wala sa mood ang utak ko na mag-Ingles ng tuloy tuloy. Kung anuman yun, wala nang pakialamanan, walang basagan ng trip basta taglish ito.

Naisip ko nalang bigla, bakit kaya ang dami paring tao ang nahihilig sa pagsusulat, mapaonline o gamit ang ballpen at papel. Sabagay, at least ang pagsusulat may kabuua, minsan ang tao wala! Sadyang magulo lang. May simula, gitna at dulo. Walang labis, walang kulang. May kahulugan, may nilalaman, may pinaghuhugutan - minsan marami, minsan iisa lang. Depende kung sino ang nagsusulat at depende kung sino ang nagbabasa. Naisip ko dahil sa pagiging OC ko minsan o lagi, natutuwa kasi ako kahit sa mga letra o salitang ginagamit ko kailangan ganito, kailangan ganyan. Gusto ko kasi may order, para mas magandang tignan. Na kahit papaano walang magulo. Naalala ko lang nung nagsisimula akong magsulat (dating dati pa) na puro tuldok lang ang alam ko, na tuldok lang ang dulo ng kada sentence. Ngayong matanda na ako, mula sa tuldok puro question mark nalang ang kinaduduluhan ng lahat. (Alam ko maraming sumasangayon sa akin tungkol dito, diba?!) Wala na ngang katapusan, wala pang kasiguruhang kasagutan. Parang mas mahirap, mas kumplikado, at magulo. 

Siguro.....yung magulong bagay na iyan may pinanggagalingan. Ikaw? Ano sa tingin mo?? Simple lang naman ang lahat ng bagay eh, kailangan pang pakumplikahin. May mga bagay lang talaga sa buhay na sadyang nagyayare. Ang mga pangyayari o sitwasyon na inaakala natin ay nagaganap lang sa mga nababasa natin sa dyaryo o napapanuod sa TV ay maaari pala mangyari sa totoong buhay. Nakakagulat. Di kapanipaniwala pero TOTOO. Lahat nalang may rason, may dahilan. Nature, nurture sabi nga nila. Nasa paligid lang din naman daw ang solusyon. Parepareho lang yang mga experiences! Isa itong aral na hindi dapat ipagwalang bahala. Sa mga ganitong sitwasyon alam natin na lahat tayo ay naging biktima. BIKTIMA NG PAGKAKATAON. 

Simple lang ang mga sagot. Gusto lang natin i-stress ang ating utak at magpakabusy para mabigyan ng dahilan ang lahat ng tanong sa isipan natin. Ika nga nila, yan ang DEFENSE MECHANISM ng tao. Ang saya lang eh noh!! Katulad nga ng nabasa ko sa twitter, "Same shit, Different day!" Ang lungkot no?? Kaya siguro dahil dyan, paikot ikot lang ang buhay ng tao. We go around circles repeating the same freakin' cycle over and over again. It's the run and chase game. Buti pa sa pagsusulat, you're free to express your feeling. Minsan madaming nakakarelate sa nararamdaman mo. Alam mong di ka nagiisa sa nararanasan mo, marami kang kadamay. Sarap ng ganun noh? At least yung mga salita alam nila kung saan sila titigil. Syempre, walang iba kundi dun oh, sa tuldok....tuldok....tuldok....

Pero, minsan sa dinami dami ng tuldok sa buhay mo, yung tipong kahit ilang beses ka na nagpaikot ikot sa buhay mo, thinking that somehow besides the feeling of exhaustion.....you learn something and you understand how to handle things better, eh hindi mo parin alam ang gusto mo. Ang gulo ko eh!! Hahaha Eh, paano nga ba malalaman kung ano ba ang taenang gusto mo?? Kasi, kahit ako sa sarili ko naguguluhan ako!! Pasensya ah! Ang gulo kong kausap! Haha! :P Anyway, that's why I came here for. I'm not so sure where this entry is leading to. There are too many floating bubbles in my head waiting to be pop in my head. I've written sooo much. I can't believe so much  has already happened. Life changes too fast before our eyes we barely even notice it. Still, I am lot more thankful for my blessings!! Ngitian lang ang buhay!! FIGHTING!! :))

New Beginnings

The job went so much better than I ever could have hoped. I've only really been looking for 2 months and have had several interviews. It's official! Welcome to the world of Employed! Thanks goodness! I'm not a bum anymore. Today, marks my third week of training, and the onset of the flurry of headaches and information overload I shall expect and deal with. It's a 9:00-5:30 Monday through Friday and sounds like a really great opportunity. I've been a little bit of an anxious wreck during this whole process and am so glad to finally have something to do fill my days. And, that's my news. Thoughts of previous training and tasks....discussions, exams, call sims and sanity everywhere. Time to deal with all I've left behind now. Even, though it's a BIG new world for me--from nursing to banking & finance and sometimes confusing so far, so good. As far as I know, irregularity does not kill. It may merely infuriate my beloved mental capacity at times, but still. Work science, here I come. 

My company ID! It's official! Yeyy! :)

I really hope I can get through all the trainings and be familiar with the system. So as to get a headstart on rebuilding my career life if things go as planned, I'll be happy and normal by next year. That's not so bad, right? I mean I know it can only get better. I hope. 

So, a reform in order this year. I will be better---even if it kills me. Haha That is my personal choice and sacrifice. That is for the welfare of mine future. So, for lie low to lax dreams and chill-ness, I will miss you things sooo much. I must and shall embark on my personal journey to the straits of the unknown and the previously known, for that matter. 

CIAO!! Immaturity and petti-me-ness and hello to embellished reform.

On the other note, life goes on. Like what Kelly Clarkson song would say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Stand a little taller." On that note, I'll start my piece.

In a nutshell, this entry screams the realizations that I never thought two weeks of Citi Training would actually make a difference in my life. I used to think it was just something I'd sleep through, a little something that will bore me. But, hell no!! I was strong!! As I attended class, the magic of enjoying work unfolded right in front of my eyes. Despite being the outspoken persona that I am, I am left amazed at what had transpired for the last two weeks of my existence. I gained so much more than I could ever have imagined, thanks to my new-found friends, acquaintances, officemates and trainers for making the training fun and enjoyed. 

And then came the excruciating truth, I shared a fairly balanced parody to my burned out colleagues, and made notes on major restructuring that needs to be done. *sigh* it came as unbelievable as anything could be, but, as I say, I've lifted everything up already to HIM. :)

But at the end of the day, I still find myself at peace, somewhat satisfied with what I've accomplished so far. It may not be much, but, hey there's a progress. And that's what counts. :))

For anything else, I pray so hard that things will take a turn for the better and that life will bully me less. Then again, every development is a big step already for me.