Dead Month, Dead Me

Another article from Thought Catalog.

I wake up heavy. For a moment, I attempt to smile. But the weight of my everything presses down on me and I recede into the dark heaviness. Be happy, I think, you have no reason not to be. Work with me, I say to my brain, but it just fades away. I try so hard to control everything in my life, chasing dreams and success and recognition, but when I turn inwards it slips away. I’m always running, running, running, but I can’t define the finish line.

My body rises, slow-moving and uninspired. I go through the day, drinking coffee to jolt my body toward a normal speed. As long as I keep running, it works. When I pause to take a breath, the heaviness comes crashing on to me and I reach my hand out from under it, gasping for another distraction, something I can control. Let me study, I can master it. Give me a book or a blank paper and I’ll luxuriate in the familiar ease of it all. But when I try to study my brain? The ease becomes oppression; I can understand and intellectualize the workings of my brain but I can’t shed the pounds of feeling. I’m a doctor who knows the anatomy lying underneath like the back of my hand, but I can’t get through the fat. I’m sad because of X, I say, I will feel better if I do Y. Do Y, I say. Please just do Y.

I don’t do Y. I start to try, then fall back. What if I try doing Y and fail? Failing, vulnerability: this is not me. I long to feel loved, fulfilled. But to be loved you must accept love; to be fulfilled you must make space. I open myself to too few people, too few experiences, and then demand too much of them. I was not raised to be vulnerable: I was raised to run. I was raised in privilege and I attack myself for this, questioning my right to be anything but happy. I look at the strange projection of myself that exists on a screen, pointing to my smiles and the people that surround me: look, you are happy. Brain, be happy. Do Y. Please just do Y.

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THIS. Oh such great timing. That’s why I keep reading TC. This matter has been puzzling in my head for a while now. I'm twenty-two and I have felt like I'm in a constant state of uncertainty and despair. I always feel like I have to find my "calling" to be happy. I'm tired of waiting for the future to be happy. I'm going to be happy NOW! There is this quote I want to share that makes me feel good and always telling this to myself, "Flow with whatever may happen and let your mind be free, stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing, this is the ultimate". I also loved the phrase "...I long to feel loved, fulfilled. But to be loved you must accept love; to be fulfilled you must make space..."

Happy weekend with Friends

“There is nothing quite like the value of friendship.”

I just got home a few hours ago. I slept over at my friend’s condo for overnight. At last this meet-up have been push through after of thousand and thousand of planning.

Let's rewind...

Me and my friend, Zackie had an early nurse on-call duty at Makati for the scheduled vaccination. So, of course we shouldn’t be late since we expect the patients to come around 8am. After of almost 10 hours duty we meet our friend, Paige in Greenbelt and go directly to the condo to take a bath and change our clothes. It’s a very tiring day but it's nice to have friends around; someone you can talk to who also enjoys eating the foods you crave. I had a night out with my college close friends. It was such a good feeling that after a stressful day, we can be with each other’s arms for one night. The night started with dinner and night swimming. It was a great night! it was night of good music, never ending stories and loud laughter. Bonding moments like these never grow old. So that night was chill but awesome. A few hours after hanging out for milk tea at Agantea we decided to go strolling around Greenbelt and find a place where we can go to. Since it was around midnight or so, every place was packed! So, we opted to go back to the condo and just buy two bottles of Margarita and soda for chaser and some corn and chips. We lost tracked of time and if it weren't for my cellphone alarm at 4am, we weren’t able to sleep and have stayed awake 'til morning. All you have to know is that we had a lot of fun and that we're doing this again if time would allow us to.

Nurses on-call

Night swimming

Chillin' + Milk tea @ Agantea

The next day we woke up at around 11am. We are so very hungry so we ate our lunch at Gerry’s Grill in Greenbelt 3. Since, it’s Sunday I asked them if they want to hear the mass with me and right after they said yes, we go for the 3pm mass at Greenbelt Park Chapel. So we heard the mass…And window shopping again after. And a cup of Tea from Chatime. A little chit chats then dinner and rest.

Lunch at Gerry's Grill

I had a great weekend because I had the chance to go out and spend some time to bond and chat with my college friends. It really feels great to unwind and have some bonding time together with your friends. This one night of bonding was kind of perfect. We all had fun sharing stories about our college memories, current tsismis, and some other stuff. Even though we didn't do crazy stuff, it was nice. We all went home around 8pm.

Girls night out is not complete without MIRROR SHOTS!! :)

Wooow. It's really a tiring weekend for me. Nonstop. Mind you…My dad's already mad at me for staying out most of the time…I guess it's already a part of me. I'm into adventures and I'm the one who can't stay at home for a very a long period of time especially when there a lot of invitations to attend to. :p We only live once, so grab all the opportunities!! Hehe

So that's it. Heaps of fun. That weekend made me too happy that I didn't want it to end. However, all good things must come to an end. Oh my. Looking forward now to my birthday for a break. Cheers!! :D I hope you had an awesome weekend too. Be awesome and spread happiness!!:))

I miss you

I hate missing people. Whether they’re dead or abroad or simply out of your life. Sometimes it’s just a simple case of them being busy at some stuff or work. It’s the paralysis in changing the situation that breeds that desperation accompanying that gnawing feeling. EVERYONE’S missed someone at one point or another.

I miss you. A phrase I've come across to so many times. I'm not only referring to the ones I've received but this also includes the ones I've read on the timeline of my social networking accounts. Well, I've been receiving a lot of these lately. They say they miss me but some just don't make an effort to make me feel it. It sounds so demanding, I know. But don't you think I have a point?

I miss my friends. I haven't gone out with them in a while and there have been several trips & dinners & movie days I've missed that I feel that “nagtatampo na sila.” Sure, you’ve been away from a certain person for a while, but you can’t exactly say that you miss them, yet they decide to tell you that they miss you. Once they tell you that they’ve been missing you, one feels a certain pressure to say the same thing, just like when someone compliments something that you’re wearing; you feel the pressure to compliment something about them. It can be pretty awkward to just stay there quietly, or to just smile. Oh! Or how about when someone decides to ask you if you’ve missed him or her? Would you lie? Some people would.

I miss you. It sounds soo easy to say, right? Of course, it is. However, sometimes it is not easy to believe. It's hard to prove that someone really misses you. Someone says, "I miss you", and then the receiver returns with the same phrase. It's so easy to say it. It takes a second to say it. However, how will you know if someone truly misses you? Maybe they just said that because it's expected to say it. Maybe they said it just to add a dash of "caring + loving + thought" to the message. Maybe they're just being nice. Maybe. Who knows?

To me, when you miss someone, you'll find a way to talk, see and hear them. You will find a way to communicate. May it be through text, wall post, tweet or simply meeting up. Even the small talks and short conversations count. Brief communication is better than no communication.

What is my point? Usually when you miss someone it shows in your actions, along with words. Don't tell you miss someone if you don't make the effort to NOT miss them! If you live nearby and have nothing to do, meet up! If you don't have time but you have time to use the internet or phone, send them a message. To put it simply, let them know they're on your mind. Simply saying "I miss you” doesn't prove it. Make them feel it. Phrases like these come in a package. It comes together with an action. Just like love. One does not simply say "I love you" or “I like you” If not, the phrase is filled with nothing but blank, empty words. Right?

Don't worry. I'm guilty of this heinous crime as well. I've said this phrase time and time again. Frankly, sometimes, I just say it just to be nice. It's a crazy world. I do make efforts too, you know! However, the sad part is...it isn't reciprocated. The simplest update on how things are going and whatnot are very much appreciated. It's a sad thing. However, you don't always get what you want.

Crushes Are Fun

Another article from Thought Catalog by Kovie Biakolo

Crushes are fun. The experience of being attracted to someone and then finding ways to get to know them is a small but gratifying sentiment. It’s like childhood – it’s innocent, it’s silly but in a good way, and maybe it’s a reminder that you’ll never lose your youthful enthusiasm. And whether the crush is someone you never knew or someone with whom you’re familiar, all of a sudden this person takes on a whole new meaning.

You begin to notice the way they do everything. You memorize their features, you remember every conversation, every gaze, and every time your eyes meet. And now you’re smiling when you think of them. When they’re around, you feel butterflies, and somehow you manage to keep your eyes on them without ever quite being able to look at them straight in the eye. And you wonder how they could not possibly get it – you so obviously have a crush.

You begin to imagine what it’d be like if they were more than your crush. You start thinking of a million ways you could reveal how much you’re growing to like them. And you begin to realize that this crush of yours is becoming more than what it was intended. You’re developing feelings, feelings that were not intended, and feelings that shouldn’t be real because it was only supposed to be a crush.

Now you’re serious and you’re getting emotionally invested. You tell everyone otherwise and that it’s just a minor attraction but deep down inside, you know that’s a lie. You know that what was supposed to be childlike affection has become a fixation and it feels like you’re making a fool out of yourself to get their attention. And when you don’t get it, you wonder if it’s something about you – something about you and your flaws.

So you begin to feel fifteen again and you’re wondering why this crush is starting to hurt as much as they did back then. You’re older, you’re wiser, you’ve got more experience now and you know that feelings aren’t always reciprocated; you know this better than anyone. So, there’s no reason to get upset but you can’t help it. It feels like once again, your crush has left you feeling crushed.

Crushes are fun. Or at least they’re supposed to be fun as long as you keep them that way. As long as you don’t get emotionally invested or fixated or keep imagining your reality to be what it is not – crushes are fun. But if you expect too much or feel too easily, you might end up with self-inflicted heart ache which just leaves you feeling empty-handed or just plain empty. And all of this for someone who never even promised you anything from the start.

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Crushes may seem like a teenage thing. But even grownups experience it all the time. One of the funniest things in the world is having crushes. Work crushes, friend crushes, unknown-person crushes - all are equally exhilarating and can provide endless hours of self-entertainment.

However, emotions are the weirdest things. Crushes are a rollercoaster. For a few moments, it can make you float on cloud nine. While it’s enjoyable and exciting for a few weeks, a long term crush can bring more nervousness and pain than happiness. Crushes, just like love, always starts with infatuation. And when you have a crush on someone, big chances are, you’re just madly attracted to them and nothing more. And, so it goes. You crush. You move on. And you hope to God that one of these days you find someone who you don’t want to live without, who will stop you, and tell you they can’t live without you, too.

Elections 2013

*Please note that this post is mostly for opinion purposes only and is not made to offend the hearts of the politically opinionated.*

Just a quick note that this post will be lengthy and I would totally understand if you won't read this post. I just have to have it here.

Who to vote? I’ll tell you that I would be voting this May 2013 Election and I’m a first time voter. And since I don't really know all of my candidates, I then find it really improper for me to just go there and shade blindly. But that's really how it worked for me. But anyways. It's actually good that I visited COMELEC's website few days ago because for some reason, it's SERVICE UNAVAILABLE now.

Today is the big day. I can almost feel the crowd and the confusion that will no doubt accompany the day of the 2013 Elections. I have no doubts that political chaos could ensue well after May 13. Oh well, at least it makes the news programs more entertaining to watch. :)

With all the confusion and mayhem in the political world, it's sometimes hard to distinguish who's who and which side to believe in. I can't really understand some of the aspiring politicians because for some reason, they're all kind of the same for me. At some point. FOR THE POOR. It's unfair. Philippines is not all about the poor! We may be under a bad government, yes! But it's not only because of bad governance. These people I'm talking about are not gonna do anything new, in my opinion. See, what will happen? They're gonna elect these politicians and expect a dramatic change two days after the election. And then they will conclude. Seriously, people?

Also! I'm keeping an eye on those people who I haven't heard before. I think they can do it better than those who have been "serving" for quite a while now. Because they have yet to prove something so they can't be all rubbish and stuff. Also! I don't think I would like to elect those who have annoying jingles that I hear every day because if you're running for a position, you should think of the welfare of your countrymen, not yourself! And you should be at least considerate not to wake up people very early in the morning by your loud stupid jingle!

Let us not judge others by who they are going to vote for this May 2013. I've seen numerous debates in Twitter, Facebook, blogs and other message bulletins that eventually lead to nowhere. Debating about politics is like debating about religion. There will never be a winning party in the discussion. Everyone has their own opinion that they will defend.

It's amazing how many different opinions are out there, and how boldly people will push them at you. I've definitely shoved my fair share of opinions at people, but lately with all of the Campaign business happening it seems like opinions are much more on the forefront. I know politics gets more heated during election years. I'm sure that this kind of thing stands out to me more because this is the election I'll be able to vote in (by the way, VOTE. You should vote. Really. I think it's an important thing to do) so I'm more...actively participating, I suppose you'd say.

So, let's just stay still and practice our right to vote at this day of the elections. If bashing cannot be avoided, then point them to the candidates themselves and not to the people that support the candidate. The thing I hate the most are self-righteous individuals personally attacking each other because they don't agree with the choice of other people.

As each of us has our personal reaction slash observation slash comment slash experience in this national election, lemme tell you mine...

May 13, 2013, 7:30am started finding my poll precinct in San Juan Elementary School, which could have been easier if the school just posted the list of voters in the wall by precinct and made a map of the precinct's location in the school, instead of collating the papers in a table with 3 or 4 people manning it, thus clogging up the information booth. Since I haven’t had my voter's id, thanks to this Comelec app by ABSCBN that I can check my registration status and knowing what precinct I will vote for and sparring me from rumbling with the crowd. By 8:00am we found it, just to realize they consolidated 5 clustered precincts in one room having for one PCOS machine. Whew! Nevertheless, we piled ourselves up not knowing we are doomed to wait for an hour before finally getting inside the voting room because they prioritize those who are senior citizens. By 9am, I couldn't say I was lucky to have my ballot ready to be filled out, and believe me it only took me less than 15 minutes to accomplish it and have my ballot fed on the machine. Finally, my vote is casted!

Though we've been hearing rants and wrath amongst our people nationwide, there are also "some" good news (at least) to savor. One is the fast counting of the election returns which is way way forward than our previous elections, and second I commend ABS-CBN and GMA who made a remarkable coverage on this national event.

For all Filipinos who voted this May 2013 national election...Congratulations! God bless the Philippines! Vote Wisely! #VoteNowCozYourVoteWillMakeADifference #PrayingForAPeacefulAndCleanElection

Happy Mother's Day!

I may not have the kind of mom who copiously provide for their daughter, or the kind of mother who affectionately flatter their kids with sweet and chummy words. I have an ordinary mother. Yes, who extra-ordinarily loves and takes care of me and my sister.

She can be sarcastic sometimes, but it works! It's called reality. She never fails to make me think that life is not all about me. She helped me cross the bridge between reality and the fantasy world I've fabricated in my self-centered mind. To be able to stay in the open and embrace my imperfections. Also that I should learn to be grateful for everything and stop comparing myself with others. For I am superbly and wonderfully made. Well she communicated this with all the love and practicality overflowing her.

Me and my Lovely Mom! :)

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, MOMMY!! :) Thank you for being always there for me – ups and downs. Whoever I am right now, owe big chunk of it from her. Sorry for being such a hardheaded, pain in the ass daughter sometimes. I have no words to say how much I thank you for everything you’ve done. I am grateful and blessed for having a mom like you. I LOVE YOU from the deepest part of my heart! ♥ You’re the best mom!!! :)

Here’s a song to pay tribute to my mom and all the lovely mothers’ all over the world!! Happy Mother’s Day!!

So, now I see through your eyes, all that you did was love,

Mama I love you, Mama I care,

Mama I love you, Mama my friend,

My friend

I’m that GIRL

I’m the girl who prefers a dozen of roses instead of a one or two.

 I’m the kind of girl whose hair is always a mess.

 I’m the girl who could live in the mall and never get tired of shopping.

 I'm the girl who will spend hours doodling her name on a paper trying to find a good way to write.

 I’m the girl who likes to stay home reading a book and falls in love with fictional characters.

 I’m the girl who always thinks time is going by too fast, and wishes every good moment could last a lifetime.

 I’m the girl who puts on a smile because she doesn’t want the attention of someone asking her what’s wrong.

 I’m the girl who would rather go out on a Friday night with close friends than got to a wild party with random strangers.

 I’m the type of girl who wants to fall in love with one person and have him for the rest of her life.

 I’m the girl who would enjoy having a movie night rather than going out to some fancy restaurant.

 I’m the girl who would rather stay up all night talking and sharing secrets with you than going out and getting drunk.

 I’m the girl who loves to sleep but reads all through the night.

 I’m the girl who is loyal and has their backs no matter what…the girl who will get in a fight with you but who is not really the fighting type.

 I’m the girl that loves romantic movies because it makes her smile and cry, loves comedy because it makes her laugh, and loves action because it makes her heart jump.

 I'm the girl who will cry in the middle of the night and still insist that everything is fine.

 I’m the girl who has her music so loud when she takes her headphones on she goes deaf for awhile.

 I’m the girl that believes in magic, in wishing at 11:11, who believes everything happens for a reason.

 I’m the girl who loves to stare in the sky, close her eyes and daydream about how her life could be.

 I’m the girl who won’t make you hold her bag, but would rather hold your hand instead.

 I’m the girl who is incredibly weird but you really wanna meet.

 I’m the girl who appreciates little simple gestures, than going too far of trying to impress me by doing something big.

 I’m the girl smart enough and beautiful enough (I think) to never be taken for granted and to never be anyone’s second best.

 I’m the girl who has always wished a prince would come on a white horse and sweep me off my feet.

 I’m the girl who will listen to you, but never judge you. The kind of girl who, once I know you, will help you through anything, as much as I can. The type who doesn’t like to see people hurt, even though she’s hurting so much on the inside.

 I’m the girl who doesn’t care if its a million dollars bag, a book from book sale or a homemade, handwriting card as long as you thought of me.

 I’m the girl who will love you than anyone can possibly dream of as long as I see your sincerity and you prove to me that you’re worthy of my heart.

 I’m the girl who will give you a smile to brighten up your bad day.

 I’m the girl who feels giddy herself to sleep at night thinking of you, when I know I’m the last thing on your mind.

 I’m the girl who don’t smoke, sleep around or start drama to get someone attention.

 I’m the girl who enjoys being alone. But, sometimes at the time I over think a lot. And I hate it, but I still do it.

 I’m the girl who watches a movie like I’m watching my life unfold on the screen in front of me.

 I’m the girl believes in love and romance. She has hopes and fears, just like anyone. Sometimes, she feels frightened. Sometimes, she feels unloved. But she’s brave, and goodhearted, and faces her life head on.

 I’m the girl who is not plain, yet nothing special, but I don’t think anyone is ever going to call me beautiful. I don’t have that graceful thing going on. Apart from a simple, fashionable taste in clothes, and the fact that I’m a bit short, there’s not a lot separating me from anyone you might pass in the street. An ordinary girl, leading an ordinary life. It actually suited me fine.

 I’m the girl who is selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes and at times hard to handle. But if you can handle me at my worst, then I’m sure as hell you can handle me at my best.

I’m happy, I’m sensitive, I’m nothing, I’m lazy, I cry, I tear, I laugh, I annoy, this is my life and I like that way.

 And yes, I’m the kind of girl who posts this cheesy text post on my personal blog because she can’t post it anywhere else.

 I’m me…and I’m not sorry. If you don’t like the kind of girl I am, I will try not to be hurt and keep on being me without changing to please someone else.

 Soooo…Yeah! That’s the kind of GIRL I am!! :))

Feelings We Need Words For

From THOUGHT CATALOG by P. Luna

This. Beautifully stated.

English is so bad at describing what it means to grieve. We use words like bereft or bitter or sad, or we say we have a broken heart. But none of these really get at the nuances. The words don’t seem to capture each exquisitely painful feeling.

For example, there should be a word, maybe borrowed from German, a language so good at expressing complicated mental states in a single lengthy word with many chewy consonants, for when you miss someone so incredibly, achingly much, when that person pervades every thought, every interaction, every waking moment, but you also loathe them. Because they treated you badly, or because they were too weak to be honest with you. Because you were betrayed. And because you loathe them, you hate yourself for missing that person so intensely. For missing the laughter they inspired; for wishing for the easy intimacy that you built. You hate yourself for knowing that they aren’t worth so much sadness, that such an outlay of mental energy is entirely wasted and useless. But you feel it anyway, and you cry in the shower or into your pillow or anytime something reminds you of that person. Which is all the time. There should definitely be a word for that.

There should also be a word, maybe from the French, who do existentialism so well, for the feeling of disconnection you cultivate when you walk through the streets with your headphones on, sad songs blasting into your ears loudly enough that you can pretend you are alone. You pass by other people almost without seeing them, since you can’t hear them. You walk by shops and offices on the sidewalk, going somewhere or maybe not going anywhere in particular, feeling like the music in your ears is a soundtrack to your sadness. This song makes you think of that person; that song comes close to capturing how lonely you are without them. You isolate yourself physically because you feel so isolated inside; surrounded by people, you are still alone, because you have been abandoned by that one person who made you feel somehow less alone.

English is also missing a word for how it feels when you know that person has moved on so quickly. When you find out you weren’t as important as you thought you were. When you realize that they were acting selfishly instead of caring about you, or when you understand that you didn’t really come into it at all for them, they were just doing what they needed to do. Maybe it should come from Russian, because the Russians know despair. You thought you were finally getting over them. You could almost go an hour, if you were busy with something really important, without thinking about them. Then you see a Facebook post or hear some gossip from mutual friends, and you realize you weren’t over it. Not even close. You realize you were still holding out hope that you would get back together, that there would be some way to repair the damage, to be happy again. When that hope is crushed, the fragile Jenga tower of your life tumbles down. There should be a word for that kind of defeat.

And there should also be a word for when you’re just so tired of being sad, for when you are tired of being lonely but somehow don’t know how to stop. When you’re tired of crying, tired of thinking about that person, tired of missing them. You can’t yet make yourself recognize all the bad things; remembering how you’ve been done wrong doesn’t help. But the hurt over the good things, the things you still miss so much, is a dull twist in your stomach now, instead of a gaping hole in your chest. You don’t know how to turn that off, don’t remember how to be happy. But you sort of remember happiness as it existed before that person, and you want that so desperately. You want to stop this misery that drags at your ankles and eyes and insides. You know it will take time, but sometimes just the fact of being tired of crying makes you cry. Maybe we could co-opt a word from Japanese for that, since melancholy is a specialty of theirs.

There should be an English word for all these feelings of grief. And I desperately wish they existed now, just so I could tell you, next time you ask, how I’m doing in only four words, instead of all these.

I was a shovel

**From THOUGHT CATALOG by Adam J. Kurtz**

Life is a confusing thing. You can know where you want to go, or what you want to do, or who matters most to you. Some days I know these things. Some days I don’t know anything. What keeps me going is being useful. Making and doing is at least one clear purpose and I have the power to control my own creative output.

I am not the fanciest person. I am not the smartest person. I am a product of my experiences and education. I learn as I go, I pick up new habits, skills, and mannerisms, some taught, some copied, and some completely by accident. That’s basically life, you do your best, “your best” grows and develops as you do, and you hope to have enough of the pieces to do well for yourself.

I like to think of myself as a pencil. Ubiquitous and unassuming, one of a dozen or a million, but with endless possibilities. I can write, I can draw, I can communicate. Sometimes I am dull and sometimes I am too sharp for my own good. I might break from time to time but I can always be restored to function until the day I hit the eraser. It’s metaphors and romanticism that get me through my life. Everything has a silver lining, everything happens for a reason, life is what it is even when it’s hard. There is beauty in everything. But yesterday I had a new lesson: my first funeral.

All of life is preparation for death. Sickness is around us, aging is a constant process, and there are atrocities around the world and around the neighborhood. We know it’s coming for everyone, ourselves included. We know about life. How it’s supposed to work and how it will surprise you. How knowing is not-knowing. But that doesn’t make it easier. The same good advice you give one day sounds different repeated. It’s true but it doesn’t feel true. It’s right but no it isn’t you don’t know me shut up shut up please please please.

I have always known how unusual it is for a 24-year-old to have all their grandparents. I have always been lucky. This experience wasn’t even a surprise. There was a diagnosis, there was some time, there were visits, though they got shorter. Then it happened. So I came home and I did what I do. I tried to be useful. I looked at the world for positive signs. I baked cookies, I did the coffee run, I cooked breakfast. I shared online in my usual ways and tried to feel better. I smoked a cigarette. I drank 4 cups of water. I walked in tight circles. I did all my usual things and some less than usual things. It didn’t feel like enough.

Jewish people don’t do an open casket and burial is a next-day affair. Everything happens very quickly. Yesterday we stood around the grave and watched a simple pine box lowered into the ground. Everyone who felt able took a shovel to add a symbolic amount of earth to this final resting place. But it didn’t feel like enough. I stood there watching people I did not know bury my grandmother and I couldn’t handle it.

I inched back towards the grave and I grabbed a shovel. I dug and scooped and broke up the mound of earth. I felt my shoulders tight in my slim suit. I thought I was going to tear it. I didn’t care. I stabbed my way through dark red earth in the light rain. I felt like I was in a movie. I felt like maybe I was shoveling too aggressively. Was I embarrassing family members? Was I embarrassing myself? I stepped outside of myself in that moment and was a little scared. I felt like a purely physical being. I felt everything at once. I was not a pencil. I was a shovel.

The day stretched endlessly until that moment and then it was done. I stopped crying. We went home. We ate hard-boiled eggs and smoked salmon bagels. I avoided the family members I usually avoid, brought my mother some more water, ate until I felt sick, and then I crashed. I slept for 11 hours.

It’s hard not to feel selfish moving forward. We are a huge family, and we are all grieving in our own way. I can sympathize, but I know I can’t grieve for anyone but myself. All I can do is move forward. Though today is a new day and she isn’t just here as always, I am grateful. Grateful to not have realized how much she meant too late, and that she knew how I felt. Grateful for 24 years of stories and jokes and songs, postcards and trinkets and photos, confetti and stickers and handwriting. 24 years of the ephemera of love itself, communicated in a way that I have always understood, even when I didn’t.

Yesterday I was a shovel but today I am a pencil again. I have been sharpened a bit, stronger but not to a breaking point. I am not fully-realized, I haven’t figured all of life out, and I am not done being sad. But with a final lesson from my grandmother I am better prepared to move forward, better prepared to make and do, and better prepared to forget all of this good advice the next time.

Behind It All

Did you ever wonder that anything – perceptible or imperceptible, existent or non-existent, visible or invisible, fact or fiction – has an explanation, reason, theory or mainly a purpose? Everything! Has a reason behind. The laptop in my table stays there for a reason, there is a reason why your cellphone got stolen, why people walk away from you and you became strangers, why you have this life, setting aside the truth…your bias in choosing a blue shirt for whatever color you chose…THERE IS A REASON. That’s why I believe in the adage that, “Everything happens for a reason.” In everything lies a purpose. Some, we simply know in advance, while others would take a moment before we realize, before we become fully aware of it. I love surprises!! I love surprising myself. I have this habit of placing money bills in between pages of books, notebooks or even pockets of bag. Time pass and I would forget where I had placed that bills. But when I need it, BOOM! It pops up! What can I say surprising myself is indeed helpful? Why do I make fun of myself?? Using these non-sense tricks?? But mind you, sometimes I hate this. I know that everyone experience this feeling, it is when-you-need-something-it-nevers-shows-up and when-you-don’t-need-it-it-flash-in-you-face. I would always tell myself that on everything that happened, and will happen, there lies a reason and purpose. Probably now or soon it will make sense to every detail in my life.

Each day is a page that we ride on. Our destiny is all written, but the beauty of it, is on how we will make it happen. It’s like a movie; we are our own director, the actor/actress, writers and even the audience. Yes, there are second takes, but of different kind, different effect and of a different twists. We have our free will to choose what makes us human, and what defines our individuality. These external factors only contribute to how we achieve our goal and in the end it’s still our own decision that will make a change. Only YOU can lay your cards.

C’EST LA VIE!!