Happy Birthday to ME, Rockin' 23!

Two decades and three years living in this world, I learned a lot of things already and still willing to learn more fell down, stood up, fought and still fighting. It's a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

According to all the documents I have, it's my birthday today! And yes, indeed, it's my birthday today. A year older, a year wiser and a year of new things. I'm so excited to indulge. I don't usually get goose bumps or awesomazing excitement during my birthday, but when I do the feeling it won't leave me, and I do swear that my birthday today is really awesome. Though there are a lot of things that came up that made me think deeply and engaged into quick decisions (serious decision making, not the ones that I'm taking on to harder thinking while in the shower - 'cause I'm making life decisions inside the shower), I can say that it's still a lotta fun. Hands down, it's currently the title holder for "The Best Birthday Ever". Tomorrow, I’ll be out of the country…my dad’s birthday gift to me to celebrate summer fun with my family, since I passed my boards and my birthday is hitting on, but I’ll back in Manila after a week. I promise I’ll update about my trip when I get back. Vacation mode!! I’m soo excited!! :))

Nonetheless, I have come to realize that I'm not getting younger and moving to the next chapter is a must and the best way to do. I'm so blessed that there are people who, through these years, keep it all up and remain my good friends and showed and still showing their love and concern for me, and by that, I'm really thankful. I'm really really happy to celebrate my birthday with the presence of the fast internet connection, in front of my laptop writing this post, a bunch of good books, my dog and crazy, funny and adorable family and friends. I'm so blessed to have a not so perfect but awesome family, that every time I need them, even if I don't say anything, they're just there and willing to give all of them just to make me happy, just to make me feel comfortable and make me feel that I'm great. I'm so happy to have my wonderful grannies with me; they're just there willing to support me all throughout.

As I take on another year in my life, there are a lot of things that will change, but of course, all of those changes will be for the best. As the Lord give me another year to live, I will make everything worthwhile and let go all the grudges and restart everything so that it would be a prosperous year for me and for the people around me. I know I have made a lot of mistakes and that's how I learned everything. That I needed that to improve and be better. I'm taking the added year in my life in great manner and with full of conviction, this is me going to be matured about stuff in my life - in all aspects of it. This is me, concentrating on the present and what I have right now, getting ready for the future and letting go of the past but surely learning from it.

A big THANKS to everyone who has been a great part of my year and I will surely see you all around as I take on this life a year older. Same old-funny-shy Cai as always but definitely letting go of those nega-mean-girl-childish spree. We learn, we take on and move on…And yeah, this isn't just luck, this is God's will.

I'm sincerely touched with the greetings and messages I received the moment I woke up this morning. ♥ :) I also received greetings from people I didn't even imagine remembering my birthday...or probably Facebook had to remind them. Haha. Even the simplest of things make me happy. Even if your greeting was a "Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V" greeting, I couldn't care less. I'm still thankful since they took the time to greet me through wall posts. I got extremely ‘kilig’, thanks to my friends who called earlier just to greet me a happy birthday. I want to jump up and down and go inside the line to reach the other line just to hug, kiss and thank you guys! :* :) I still can't believe that you guys exerted sweet efforts to greet me; I do swear it really matters and well appreciated. And thank you also for all the cyber greetings, hugs and kisses on Facebook and Twitter. :) It is just so priceless that I couldn't grasp enough air to say thanks and I couldn't find the exact words to express and to extend my more than thankfulness aura to everyone who greeted me today. I must not shed a tear. T_T

Thank you to everyone who was became a part of my birthday. Thank you to those who were a part of my previous year. As I ended that 22th episode, I hope you're still gonna be a part of this fresh new chapter. I wish I could get the chance to hug all of you 'cause you made my day extra special.

And if anyone of you is celebrating his/her birthday too... Happy Birthday! :)

With that being said, I bid you adieu! Need to pack my things now because of my out of country trip tomorrow and see you after a week! :)

A Quarter Life Celebration

From Thought Catalog by Sarah Mccartan

Typically in the days leading up to my birthday, I find myself retreating and getting wrapped up in my own head a bit too much. Rather than just being my usual level of pensive, I give in to my excessive tendency to think, rethink and over think each breath and every decision I have or haven’t made throughout the past year, and then proceed to beat myself up for what I consider to be my shortcomings. I know. Healthy, right?

Rather than counting my triumphs, I add up my pitfalls. I become buried in nostalgia, and lost in longing. When milestone years loom, this behavior tends to be the worst. Meaning, I had an especially hard time last year in the days leading up to turning the big 2-5.

Oh the dreaded “quarter life crisis.” Yes, that thing.

To combat the impending crisis, I decided to throw a dance party celebration, fittingly titled, “Quarter Life Crisis//A Dance Party Celebration.” You know, just to take the edge off. It had all the staples any little girl could ever dream up—kegs of PBR, gin and cranberry cocktails, a DJ, fog machine and even a koala head with laser light eyes. Oh, and unicorns.

Now that I am almost to the other side of my so-called quarter life crisis, I can look back and say that while this year was filled with intense periods of self-doubt, as well as unexpected waves of hard to stomach surprises, scares, and losses, there was and continues to be much more to celebrate, than there is to mourn.

This year I’ve become more accepting of myself for my heart’s desires. And more willing to take the necessary steps to follow after them. And far less concerned as to whether or not anyone in the rest of the entire universe understands. If there’s been one constant in my life thus far, it’s that everything that means something to me has come with a price, or a hurdle, a seemingly insurmountable barrier, a challenge, or a chase.

I know what you are thinking. It’s the age-old “thrill of the chase” syndrome. I used to wonder the same. But I’ve realized that it runs far deeper than that. Truthfully I would rather die trying for or simply caring about something or someone that means the world to me, than live abundantly for nothing at all. This goes for my personal life, as well as professionally.

Speaking of professionally, since there’s always money in the banana stand (thank you for reminding me Arrested Development), five weeks ago I took a leap of faith and quit my full-time 9 to 5 job that I had become engulfed in for the past year and a half.

“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”

This quote that I stumbled upon in a book I am reading by Bob Goff pretty much sums it up.

Immediately after quitting, I went through the “five stages of grief” in about, oh, 48 hours. I realized I had nearly forgotten how to function not being burnt out creatively, or being bombarded with emails constantly. I was profoundly disappointed I let myself be held hostage in a world that put money over principle, politics over human interest. I was sad feeling as though I had lost some of myself. I then became hell bent on getting that self back.

I attended a high school graduation last week. Here, my little (might as well be) sister gave her salutatorian speech. Midway through she referenced an article she had recently read with a quote we’ve all heard many different renditions of throughout our lifetimes. A quote that doesn’t get fully realized enough.

“If you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life.”

Four weeks ago I began writing full time for the alternative weekly newspaper I had been serving as a contributing arts and entertainment writer for.

This weekend I went as media to Hangout Music Festival, just a little hop and a skip from my Florida town, over the state line into Alabama. Saturday night, after watching Tom Petty perform in clear view from the front of the VIP/media area for over two hours, and as closing fireworks lit up the night sky, I felt like time was standing still. I turned around and watched people jump and splash into the VIP pool like a bad Spring Break beach party movie.

Here, amidst thousands of people on the beach, as the sweet winds of the South blew across my face, I had a moment of silence and thanks, for the privilege to soak up these sights, sounds and sentiments that I have the honor of experiencing—that others may not ever be afforded the chance to. It’s moments like these I have to pinch myself to a) make sure I am alive b) make sure I remember what these moments feel like.

With all the pain and sudden tragedy that strikes in the world, and even the loss that I’ve witnessed, or felt in my own life, there is no reason not to celebrate every single moment of simple joy that has been given to us. In fact, it’s a shame not to. My hope is that I can better remember how to embrace these moments of excitement, gladness and awe just like I did as a child, oh so sweetly, innocently and genuinely, instead of worrying about what is or isn’t coming next.

As 26 approaches, I can’t say I’m closer to figuring “it” out, but I can say that I’ve decided that “it” doesn’t look like something that’s for me anyway. I enjoy the uncertainty, the freedom, the mystery, the grace and the difficulties that make up my life, and the bumpy off-road route I’ve chosen to navigate down. I don’t know any other way to journey.

I don’t want to know any other way to live, other than being myself, and believing that’s enough. I am okay with not having anything mapped out with a level of certainty, past doing what I feel called to do, creating work that is meaningful, seeing where that takes me, going when I feel called to go, and trying to be more honest and open with myself, my loved ones, and the world around me in the process.

This hasn’t been my quarter life crisis. It’s just life, which happens to be a kick ass lesson (and sometimes crisis) in itself.

In the days leading up to 26, I am making a valiant effort to not derail from my quest of taking more moments to stop and be still and thankful, and celebrate each experience that I may never have again. Good or bad, happy or sad.

This may not be enough for you, but I’ve realized that it is for me.

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So, here I am, by suddenly coming across with this article, or maybe this exactly what I need my life at the moment. Like the writer, I am also celebrating my birthday in like four days. Whatever the reason, I’m just like her. I am currently going through my own Quarter-Life Crisis…at the ripe old age of becoming 23 years young. Age aside, during this time when you’re about to age a year older it seems simultaneously everything is ever-changing, options seems endless, decisions become complicated and TIME is just flying by.

These are the time you adjusting to become a mature adult and everything it entails, responsibility and independence (especially financially). These are the time finding a job is tough and scary because you either find something you really love or realize that you are going to start something you’d never thought you are doing. These are the years where you learn to question everything and anything, especially yourself and your capabilities. But when you DO and find some clarity in this mad, mad world or at least some sense of direction or have even one person who can relate and will support you and help you carry the weight you receiving, who will tell you, “you can do this, I’m just here!” with a little tap in the back or just a simple hug, then it make everything more bearable and a little bit easier…Eventually, all of us are struggling this type of crisis once in a while. I believe that with a bit of patience and positivity we will find that one thing.

My Open Letter to the YOU who will makes my heart beat just a little faster

I was inspired to write this open letter because of this video shared by my friend in Facebook. OMG!! This just made me cry and touch my heart. Everyone needs to watch this coz’ these things are rarely seen in today’s time. Amazing! :)

“True love is not like Romeo and Juliet who died together, but true love is like Lolo and Lola who grow old together.”

I suppose you are wondering why I got being cheesy and why I’m writing this. Don’t worry, I’m wondering that too! It seemed like a good idea of something to do right now, and I can’t sleep yet, so here I am.

I don’t normally write to YOU, I think I have a dozens of never-ending thoughts in my head…but this one is here and permanent and I think I look forward to you reading it someday. So, be ready for lotsss of cheezy-ish here. Hihihi :)))

I’m doing this…while A Rocket to the Moon playlist ‘Somebody Out There’ on repeat in the background…for the sake of…I don’t know… I have this romanticized version of what we – this…just want to do this…whatever this is – ought to be. I’m not in like or even inlove with someone and I’m not seeing anyone right now. It’s totally single and ready to mingle…Single, single you might say. I really want to take my time and enjoy the single, single life, but sometimes I can’t help but to want being with someone, who else doesn’t want, eh? So, here’s to my future You. Sometimes it makes me wonder…Are you actually trying to find me, or am I really just hard to find? I hope you never get tired of looking for me…

Dear my Future YOU,

What’s up, ketchup?

Obviously, you are reading this point because you have passed my ‘high standard’ first round assessment with flying colors. So, you are respectful, witty, funny, protective, love me and of course, charming and attractive -- like me! Ayiiiieee!! :)) So here we are, in a serious committed relationship.

I want you to think of this letter as a sort of, anticipations cheat lists. Featuring a mix of my idiosyncrasies and weirdness and your boyfriend duties to me. So, expect this to be lengthy and cheesy. :)

Before I meet you I don’t know if I want you right now but I want you to know that I’m here, I exist. I been wanting to write to you but I just don’t know what to say! Haha :) it’s hard especially I do not know who you are, I’m just using this creative imagination of mine but I know you’re somewhere out there preparing yourself to be my coolest boyfriend. ^_^

You might find it weird and lame but I’m waiting for you while enjoying the life that I don’t want to miss. Maybe you’re still busy and so do I. We can work this out I know, we let go the why’s. I wonder what you’re doing right now. I don’t wonder this in a creepy way – I think it’s more so in an intrigued way.

Sometimes I think about you! :D Did we bump into each other that day in the mall? Sometimes I wonder if I’ve already passed you on the street; stood beside you in the waiting area, sit beside you in a public transportation. Could you have been on that bus I missed by a second? Sometimes I wonder if I won’t meet you for another year…or if I’ll meet you tomorrow while chillin’ in Starbucks or sippin’ my large milk tea. Could it be you’re scared to find me? I would never hurt you. Are you one of my friends or friends of friends? And suddenly, I’d see you’ve been here the entire time, surely not. You can’t be.

I may not be your love at first sight or not the first girl you love, you kiss and dance with but I promise that I will be the last, forever! ♥ :) I have reserved all the depths of my heart for you. I have secrets that I have guarded only to share with you. This fact alone will tell you that I never doubted the fact that you were yet to enter my life one day. :)

Now, that your face, your facial features, your personality, your smell and your heart, I already know all of that and loved you when the time you read this. :)) You love me; you inspire me, and make me want to be a better person.

I hope you love my insecurities and obsessions on books, movies, TV shows and etc. I promise you I will love you for that. Please, be faithful to me! I don’t want to worry about everything related to how your heart feels about me. It takes a lot for me to commit these days, so I decide to commit to you, I’ll deem you worthy. I won’t mess that up. I hope you’ll deem me worthy as well.

Don’t worry about your flaws. I know you’re not perfect and I will love you for that. I myself also have an endless list of it. We may not get rid of it but I know we will get used to it to the point of laughing it off. We will be the world’s COOLEST COUPLE in the world!! ♥ :) And, the happiest one too!! :D We’ll just laugh at everything that will come not only in our relationship but also in our individual lives as well.

I hope you’re a big sports fan too. You know I’m a NBA Lakers fan. I super love Kobe Bryant! I can be the “yeller at TV” for the both of us if you want --- I get into it. I will not want you to “shush” me. I’ll want you to giggle to yourself and think it’s cute that I just cursed out an electronic black rectangle on the table or a coach who will never hear me. Better yet, I hope you’re yelling too. I want you to love my parents, my family and vice versa.

I want you to be my bestfriend as well. Someone I can talk to, share secrets, act silly with and even gossip with! Someone that will always be by my side and won't allow me to cry myself to sleep again. Someone I can always count on.

I am so excited for our adventures together, travelling to strange places, Christmas with my family and your family. I don’t want the over PDA thing when we’re out. Hehe Just holding my hand in public would suffice. Holding it tight but gently would be enough for me.

Please, don’t break my heart. Don’t promise me broken promises. If we run into your ex-girlfriend, I hope you know I’ll be the coolest girl. Unless, she comes up to us begging for you to back, we’ll cross the bridge if we get there. *insert evil laugh* Hahaha :))

Oh, and I want to be silly. I love photos! I like taking pictures. I need you to be cool with taking ugly, beautiful and wackiest pictures on my itouch and laughing at them later. We pig-out and never say never. Travel and shop like there’s forever. Laugh and cry and days will never be darker. After fights we’ll be saying sorry, and then we’d kiss and hug each other tightly.

Let this relationship make us grow as a person. And also, let us help one another to be steadfast in our faith. (I have confidence in this because God won't give me a non-believer for a boyfriend. Nor will I ever allow anyone to be.) We will be as committed to God as we were even before this relationship. We will date hard. And worship Him harder!

Oh my dear YOU! I know with all my heart that I will know you when I see you and get to know you. I may have dozens and dozens of crushes, but you will always be the one to put butterflies in my tummy and makes my heart beat faster. Soo, keep that in mind! Don’t be jealous! Okay?! :)) I know that you will be unexpected and unmatched by all those before, those men who tried and failed to win this heart of mine. I hope that you will find the HAPPINESS in me. I wish you could love me endlessly. We will keep the spark or even the fire. You will be my LIFETIME CRUSH and SPECIAL ONE so you don’t care to be jealous! ♥ :)

Am I too demanding?? I hope not! Hehe :)) I want there to be a reason you begin your day with me on your mind and end it just the same. I want you to do all of the above because I will also do all the above for you. Everyday. A thousand times over. “WE” and “US”. You want me, I want you. Together at last. Soon I’ll be seeing you…

XOXO, C. ♥ :)

And I’ll stop here…so many thoughts still flowing in my head but I’ll save that when I meet that “you” one day, maybe very soon…Where are you? For now, dear, I give up. And while I wait, maybe I’ll find me instead. I will find that You who really means the world to me and will fall in love with him, and he will love me to bits. He won’t find anyone else like me if he could search the world forever and ever. I will find that You who won’t want to leave my side. He might not be in my life yet: he might have walked past me today, he might have walked outside my house a few hours ago, but one day, he’ll be mine and only mine forever and ever.

There’s somebody out there who’s looking for you .Someday he’ll find you, I swear that it’s true.

#30ThingsILove

Since I cannot sleep yet and the moon is bright. I’ve been scrolling my news feed on twitter and seeing my friends keep on posting on this trending topic, so I decided to ride on this hash tag #10ThingsILove. Chichi (that’s my dog) was lying on her back, paws straight up in the air, when she rolled over, yawned, and said to me, in her puppy way, “Mom, I love you. You’re awesome.” And she’s right. Hihihi to make this kind of my own, I decided to make a list of #30ThingsIReallyLove, from the sort of shallow to the deeply ingrained. I hope you’ll all do the same (about yourselves, not me) in the comments! :))

1. When people sing the songs of your favorite band to you (even they swear they hate them) 
2. Ponytails in the summer 
3. Hand written letters and doodles 
4. When people say "you look nice today" even if they see you every day 
5. Surprises 
6. Kisses on the cheek and holding hands 
7. Getting lost in music while I shower 
8. Reading through memories in last year's planner 
9. Rain when I'm indoors The smell crisp of new book 
10. How it feels to stick one foot out of your blanket 
11. Coffee and Milk tea while I read or write 
12. The photo booth pictures I’ve got tacked up on the inside of my cabinet doors 
13. When people say "this reminds me of you" 
14. Roses and Tulips 
15. Shopping (clothes, shoes, accessories, watches and bags) 
16. Watching my favorite movies over and over again. 
17. Looking at old family pictures and reliving happy memories 
18. My loyal and cray cray friends 
19. Quotes that inspire me 
20. Seeing people smile. It makes me happy to see other people happy. 
21. The wind in my face on a warm day 
22. True deep felt genuine hugs 
23. My dog. It’s not just her absolutely adorable faces, but the fact that I have had her for years, and she still greet me at the door every day like she haven’t seen me in years. She really is the best stress relievers and just happiness boosters in general. 
24. Food. I enjoy trying out new restaurants. I especially love the role food plays in my life it definitely fosters conversation and it essentially brings people together….and it is deeelicioius :) 
25. Good, witty, random, talk-for-hours like I haven’t seen you in ages type of conversation 
26. Feeling well-rested after a much needed nap 
27. Life. The beauty of it. No matter how bad things get, there is always something beautiful to keep us going forward. 
28. Random acts of kindness 
29. The people in my life. I’m truly blessed.

Dead Month, Dead Me

Another article from Thought Catalog.

I wake up heavy. For a moment, I attempt to smile. But the weight of my everything presses down on me and I recede into the dark heaviness. Be happy, I think, you have no reason not to be. Work with me, I say to my brain, but it just fades away. I try so hard to control everything in my life, chasing dreams and success and recognition, but when I turn inwards it slips away. I’m always running, running, running, but I can’t define the finish line.

My body rises, slow-moving and uninspired. I go through the day, drinking coffee to jolt my body toward a normal speed. As long as I keep running, it works. When I pause to take a breath, the heaviness comes crashing on to me and I reach my hand out from under it, gasping for another distraction, something I can control. Let me study, I can master it. Give me a book or a blank paper and I’ll luxuriate in the familiar ease of it all. But when I try to study my brain? The ease becomes oppression; I can understand and intellectualize the workings of my brain but I can’t shed the pounds of feeling. I’m a doctor who knows the anatomy lying underneath like the back of my hand, but I can’t get through the fat. I’m sad because of X, I say, I will feel better if I do Y. Do Y, I say. Please just do Y.

I don’t do Y. I start to try, then fall back. What if I try doing Y and fail? Failing, vulnerability: this is not me. I long to feel loved, fulfilled. But to be loved you must accept love; to be fulfilled you must make space. I open myself to too few people, too few experiences, and then demand too much of them. I was not raised to be vulnerable: I was raised to run. I was raised in privilege and I attack myself for this, questioning my right to be anything but happy. I look at the strange projection of myself that exists on a screen, pointing to my smiles and the people that surround me: look, you are happy. Brain, be happy. Do Y. Please just do Y.

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THIS. Oh such great timing. That’s why I keep reading TC. This matter has been puzzling in my head for a while now. I'm twenty-two and I have felt like I'm in a constant state of uncertainty and despair. I always feel like I have to find my "calling" to be happy. I'm tired of waiting for the future to be happy. I'm going to be happy NOW! There is this quote I want to share that makes me feel good and always telling this to myself, "Flow with whatever may happen and let your mind be free, stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing, this is the ultimate". I also loved the phrase "...I long to feel loved, fulfilled. But to be loved you must accept love; to be fulfilled you must make space..."