Everyday

Everyday, everything feels new. It is like a new stage. It's like a roller coaster of different levels - it gets freaky when you're about to fall from a high point yet you still have fun in the end. But at some point, some days are like songs you once loved to sing however now; you wished you never knew the words.

I hate change. It takes a lot of time and effort for me to adjust to new things. Ironically, despite my apprehensions, I usually end up embracing whatever it is that took so long to get used to. It’s a bad cycle, really. I find it difficult to accept a new situation, but sometimes this difficulty is what eventually makes it all the more endearing it to me. And by the time I need to move on from it, I find myself unable to let go and unwilling to face yet another version of my life. This is why I’m frightened of things suddenly changing around me. Can be somebody or something. The knowledge that I will surely make it through brings me little comfort.

I never wanted to be at this point, who else wants to be? Right? I dreamed of happiness and felicity for everyday, every minute or each single seconds of the clock in my life. AM I SOUND BORING EH?? Hahaha Honestly, in everything I do, in everything I chose, I always first ask myself, “Do I want this?”, “Will this makes me happy?” or “Do I need this?” if YES, I’ll embrace it wholeheartedly with open arms meaning I’m ready enough for the consequences, for the pros and cons of whatever it may bring. If NO or MAYBE, I’ll turn it down and move on to the next.

I am not bragging that I can make up my mind fast. That I can visualize what may happen or which is black or white…..In fact I replay every detail that can help in my decision making and to tell you, ITS HARD, SOOO DAMN HARD!!

Sometimes life has its own way of unfolding things in time you wouldn’t expect it to be, for you to clearly understand the events. One day I feel happy, next day happier, the next day bad, then badder and then you’ll assume tomorrow will be the worth-est. But life sometimes fools you! You silly kid! You saw sunshine and rainbow eventually. Lalala~ Life’s good in a way, SEE?? Life is awesome. It makes you awe in things or people every day. It can be a good one, a success or triumph then it turns into awww suddenly, which is bad, sadness or failure.

TO MYSELF, hang on in there, it’s what you chose, this is what you wanted and needed some time to recover…what I’d rather know is how you can manage to have your whole world turned upside down without feeling anything… perhaps, things will get better. :)

I Have Story to Tell

I love stories. If you gave me unlimited time to anything I wanted. I would spend it all devouring stories. I could be reading or watching something. Either way, I’d be very happy. The way we tell stories have evolved over time. In the early time, people just passed them on with the spoke word. Now there are more than few methods to go about it. Because of existence of this highly technical gadgets in this geeration, stories can tell in many means, can be through e-books, audiobooks, podcasts which is mostly convenient to all of us, anytime and anywhere.

Film has become a very popular way, probably because it’s too easy to sit back and absorb something with very little effort while enjoying yourself as well. Back in the days, I’m a person who always prefers viewing something over reading it, because I’d readily enjoy something ragher than have to imagine it for myself. But now that perspective change, I love both. I personally do enjoy reading just as much as I enjoy watching. :))

We all have stories to tell…stories about love, hope, pain, holding on, letting go and moving on…we smiled, we laughed, we cried on and over these stories. Stories allow us to experience things that are completely different from our lives. It’s part of human nature. It’s part of the transition. The irony is that we often judge a piece of work by how well we can relate to it, even when the setting or plot is so bizarre to us. But that’s probably the secret to a great story — we have to go through all these to teach us to recognize, to understand, and to appreciate our existence. It is how deeply affects us, despite our distance from it. How I wish I had all the time to read, to know and to watch all the great stories in the world.

Little things we shouldn’t forget

Here’s a friendly reminder from my daily planner:

While looking my planner for this month of February to recall those past goings-on I had for this ‘love’ month seems that routine stick to my system! Ughhh >.< I hate it and that was how this 28days month passes by. It was stuck on the marker for February and I couldn’t resist taking a picture of it to remind me because it stood out to me in so many ways.

I don’t find it too difficult to laugh in general, but there’s something to be said about sincere and unrestrained laughter. I think that there’s a certain freedom and relief that comes from it. It doesn’t cure everything, contrary to the old adage, but it certainly makes a lot of things better.

I consider myself to be mostly happy with the daily struggle and tussle with life and know that working really hard for something is dreadful at the time, but incredibly satisfying at the end. I know that the more I struggle and the more I fight for something, then it’s so appreciated at the end. I strive to be happy but I don’t go looking for it and although, it makes me sound rather grim, I really appreciate the challenges of daily life. Of course, it’s all relative. I sometimes think that happiness can be overrated and people start worrying/asking if they are happy or not. I quote in one article I have read, words are, “if you are well, have friends, do something meaningful, then why would you not considered yourself happy?”

Laughing out loud can be too easy, in fact, if your personality is inclined to it. But there are instances that depreciate experience, and we have to do our best to avoid those hollow and contrived laughs. This is not to say there’s no place for hilarity in the small or the trivial. Nor that laughter must have some greater meaning to be convincing. Laughter is best when natural, spontaneous and genuine, without baggage or agenda.

I'm content in the knowledge, that in my struggle, that I'm doing the right thing. I'm content in knowing that the moments of happiness come and go, sometimes like a visitor that can't stay long and like a dear friend, we miss it when it's gone.

Just…laugh. LAUGH OUT LOUD.

Not another teenage post

It's one of those days wherein I feel impatient with my life. Routine has always been one of my pet peeves and I hate being trapped inside one, it feels like sucking the vigor and verve out of me. I hate waking up every morning not being thrilled about how another day will go on. Probably, history is just repeating itself for I remember having the same disposition in college. Maybe it is a bleak stage after. I swear to God I'd kill for a twist right now. Sometimes my interest in this freakin’ so-called life faded away. I hardly find neither the strength to keep moving forward nor the will to continue in spite of the obstacles. I found it can be very boring at times.

Okay! stop complaining, Cai!!! This is the chosen path in the very beginning and I shall complete it. All I need now - McDonalds Chocolate Sundae to bring some sweetness and to relieve the stress. Leave regret, move forward. Tomorrow another better day. ♥ Anyhow, if I've overpassed it before then it won't be a problem to do it all over again. Patience. Patience. Patience. More so because I now have better things in my little pocket in the occasion of rainy days.

Oh so lovey-dovey day

Twenty two years of my existence yet another Valentines Day awaits me. Oh yes it's the love month already.  I bet there are already a few who are ready to the firing squad. While there are still bitter hearts out there who are sad, full of hate and regrets. February can be a good month or bad month. If you are single, you need not to skip the 14th of February. Treat this as a "single" blessing. Everyone experienced being single. Somewhere in our lives there were occasions when love & relationship were nowhere to be found. Being single is not a curse for one to carry. It is even a privilege and an opportunity. In this phase, one can improve one's self in preparation for relationship.

When I hear that "day" then, I'm kinda excited even if there's nothing really much happening in me every time that occasion arrives. I barely remember what's the best valentine I had since I can't even think of something that is nice about it for everything that happens on that day is quite the same as normal days of mine. But for singles like me, Valentine's Day is just any other day, without any bitterness and defensiveness at all. :) I know my time will come, I know he will come, in an amazingly unexpected way. :) But since it's "the season," you just cannot really avoid questions from popping from nowhere! Hahaha

Okay, I admit it. Every time I know that occasion is coming, I'm thinking of chocolates, flowers, restaurants...you name it. Things that I never experienced myself on that day…ever from a special someone. I'm a little dreamy about it which made me realize that oh...I'm still really a person. Haha! Duh! :P

Honestly (and being true to myself), I already know the answers on those, that is: it (still) depends on me. I don't know, was really single all my life, had a couple of sort of love related experiences in the past, and I knew of the feeling- it was indeed cloud nine feeling. It's such a nice feeling waking up realizing that there's someone waiting for you to wake up, asks if you are okay and is willing to end the day with you, and will choose to start another day with you.

Even if I haven't experience having that "special" person on such days I'm still excited just hearing about that day. I love watching those people doing surprises for their lover, or when I saw a guy holding a flower and those people selling those flowers. Seeing those things that makes me happy and ‘kilig’ made me thought of my “kagwapuhan”. “Kagwapuhan” is the name I call to my special guy whom I haven't found yet. Weird me! LOL :))) I kept thinking with those what ifs and then it made me realized something. It made me more excited to wait for him. It made me more excited to wait for that February month that he will finally arrive. I don't care how many valentines I should wait but if ever I had someone special "special" to spend that day, it must be him. I will not just wait of course...I'll do a lot of things while waiting :). To be honest, I'm not yet ready to face him now. I still need to work out on a lot of things.

It may seem to sound to old-y, conservative-ish; I would prefer to have a serious relationship, someone I'll spend my future and infinity with. Someone who will never give up on me, who has the persistence to win my heart. I'm not playing safe, nor being too serious, it's just that relationship for me is something long term(ed). If I would go into a relationship, I want to feel that, that person sees himself spending the rest of his life with me. I'm not being too in hurry or anything, but it's very important that you know where you stand in someone else's life. And now that I'm exploring and still testing the waters, I can't clearly see and/or feel yet what future brings in to me.

Part of me also fears. Fear that the person will hinder me to do things I love doing. Fear that he might not be supportive of me. Fear that what I like doing is something he's not interested with. And lastly, I fear that I might completely head over heels fall inlove with him, that I'm willing to give up my dreams because he said so. I'm afraid that it might happen, because certainly, it's not something far from happening. I've listened and read a lot of stories like these.

I hope the fear part will all be gone soon, and I pray that someone will be brave enough to make me feel safe. I can marry him now if he'll explore the world with me, LOL just kidding!! I believe that life partners are blessings and one of the best gifts that God gives to us, aside from our lives. And I do hope and pray that this person deserves all my love to him in the future.

A simple note, you don't need that special someone to make you smile but it is a magical and amazing feeling that there's someone really cares for you. If you can't make yourself happy then how can you be assured when the right man comes, you can also make him happy?? As an add-on note, LOVE YOURSELF. It's the best thing you can give and do for the meantime. Stay positive and good luck to us in finding the right man of our dreams.

HAPPY LOVE MONTH! I may be single this season but I'm not lonely! Time to enjoy this love season with my cray cray friends and family! Have a love-filled day everyone!☺