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There’s a brief moment when you first wake up where you have no memories --- a blissful blank slate, a happy emptiness. But it doesn’t last long and you remember exactly where you are and what you were trying to forget…Each of us has memories. Good ones and sad ones. Unfortunately, our mind is mostly filled with the sad ones. It’s easier to keep sad memories because it comes with a scar. Good memories come with laughters and they all fade away. Every night, before we sleep, we have to remember all these sad memories because before we sleep, we think about people we care about and miss, but we lost the chance of holding again. Nobody really wants to forget these memories, but nobody wants to remember them either.

“With one blast it had taken out his insides. And that too made her throat ache, although she’d heard of worse things. It was that moment, that one moment, of realizing you were totally empty. He must have felt that. Sometimes, alone in her room in the dark, she thought she knew what it might be like. - Louise Erdrich”

Succumb

It is so hard to feel okay, to look okay and to tell yourself everything's fine and cool when it really is not. There are days when I’ve just given up on myself, given up on all of this, given up on everything that used to matter. I give up because I’m tired of fighting, tired of pretending it’s OK, tired of believing that there are winning moments to wait for. My life lately is a bit of a blur. I don't know where to go...what to do...what I want (to be)... It's really darkness. I see most of the things in obfuscate way now, unclear and not pretty in sight. One day I just knew, that maybe after all the backbreaking, it’s still not good enough. I viewed my way in a vivid positive manner; hence, I shall not fear nor cowardly carry off stuff. I know that there is a bigger story beyond this, that there is so much more bound to happen, that one day I’ll know that I did the right thing. But for today, just for today, I give up. Days have passed, occurrences were in existent, but compare to other days I had throughout this living, nothing was perfect and nothing did ever come grand as I expected it to be. Consequently, I thought, perhaps, I expected gigantically good is going to happen and by which circumvent me afterwards.

I give up today, and hope that I have hope for tomorrow.

"Sometimes there's airplanes I can't jump out
Sometimes there's bllsht that don't work now
We are God of stories, but please tell me
What there is to complain about?
When you're happy like a fool, let it take you over
When everything is out you gotta take it in."

Not another teenage post

It's one of those days wherein I feel impatient with my life. Routine has always been one of my pet peeves and I hate being trapped inside one, it feels like sucking the vigor and verve out of me. I hate waking up every morning not being thrilled about how another day will go on. Probably, history is just repeating itself for I remember having the same disposition in college. Maybe it is a bleak stage after. I swear to God I'd kill for a twist right now. Sometimes my interest in this freakin’ so-called life faded away. I hardly find neither the strength to keep moving forward nor the will to continue in spite of the obstacles. I found it can be very boring at times.

Okay! stop complaining, Cai!!! This is the chosen path in the very beginning and I shall complete it. All I need now - McDonalds Chocolate Sundae to bring some sweetness and to relieve the stress. Leave regret, move forward. Tomorrow another better day. ♥ Anyhow, if I've overpassed it before then it won't be a problem to do it all over again. Patience. Patience. Patience. More so because I now have better things in my little pocket in the occasion of rainy days.