COSMOS

Time check, it is almost past twelve, 12:42am to be exact, it’s already dawn and all the people are already in deep sleep and here I am wide awake with no signs of sleepiness at all like an owl. O.O I can’t sleep!! Maybe this over thinking is the culprit for ruining my precious body clock.

Anyway, I have nothing in particular I’d like to say. I just wanted to write or to type and hear the keyboard clack as I do. The itch is back. LOL :)) This itch comes and goes. My head is swimming in gigantic thoughts and ideas. And I hate it!! I can’t stop thinking or rather over thinking. So what’s the goal/priority? I want to build myself a career. I can’t say I started treading the wrong path because I invested time and effort where I am now, learned a couple of things --- patience for one. Often we want, what we desire is something we keep deep inside of us…something so dear and so special, it feels too scary to let it out into the open. It’s our own little secret, and therefore, safe from harm. But maybe we have to let those secrets out in order to actually really live. The fallout from those secrets being revealed is often hard…or sometime surprising and maybe even inevitable.

We all feel caught at some point or another between choices. Like one once said, "Freedom of choice is what we want. Freedom from choice is what we need." Having choices, at first, feels exciting, but after a while it can also be overwhelming, like we're trapped with no clear way out. If you're lucky you might find someone is there to catch you when you finally escape the web. But most of the time, it's harder. Some people get caught between their secrets and wanting to do the right thing...while others are caught between their desires and their ambitions. I was faced with a tough decision, for sure. But I no longer felt caught between what I wanted and what my dad wanted. Do everything you can just to get what you want. Do everything you can, not because you have to but because you want to. And more importantly, do everything you can because that you deserves much more than those effortlessly thrown shots and often misused and empty words. I realized this was my life, and I wasn't going to have any regrets.

Too many options or choices can kill a man. My brain can kill a man, too! Bigtime! Brain owner included. I cannot firmly decide on which action to take when my shitty brain won’t stop creating branches of options for options for more options on which concrete route to take. And this limbo is slowly and silently beginning its process of killing me. Where do I start? How will I start? What is money without the feeling of fulfillment? I need to find a way to get me out in this kind of dilemma. Or anywhere near that point in the triangle. Do I need a sign? Oh, yeah I need a sign!! I need someone to push me harder. I need faith in my ability. In God’s plan, in myself, I’m calling out the universe, please connive and give me a tiny boost. And then I promise to take it from here.

“If you want something so bad, chase after it. Don't saunter. Don't stroll. Don't even brisk walk.”