Happy Birthday to ME, Rockin' 23!

Two decades and three years living in this world, I learned a lot of things already and still willing to learn more fell down, stood up, fought and still fighting. It's a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

According to all the documents I have, it's my birthday today! And yes, indeed, it's my birthday today. A year older, a year wiser and a year of new things. I'm so excited to indulge. I don't usually get goose bumps or awesomazing excitement during my birthday, but when I do the feeling it won't leave me, and I do swear that my birthday today is really awesome. Though there are a lot of things that came up that made me think deeply and engaged into quick decisions (serious decision making, not the ones that I'm taking on to harder thinking while in the shower - 'cause I'm making life decisions inside the shower), I can say that it's still a lotta fun. Hands down, it's currently the title holder for "The Best Birthday Ever". Tomorrow, I’ll be out of the country…my dad’s birthday gift to me to celebrate summer fun with my family, since I passed my boards and my birthday is hitting on, but I’ll back in Manila after a week. I promise I’ll update about my trip when I get back. Vacation mode!! I’m soo excited!! :))

Nonetheless, I have come to realize that I'm not getting younger and moving to the next chapter is a must and the best way to do. I'm so blessed that there are people who, through these years, keep it all up and remain my good friends and showed and still showing their love and concern for me, and by that, I'm really thankful. I'm really really happy to celebrate my birthday with the presence of the fast internet connection, in front of my laptop writing this post, a bunch of good books, my dog and crazy, funny and adorable family and friends. I'm so blessed to have a not so perfect but awesome family, that every time I need them, even if I don't say anything, they're just there and willing to give all of them just to make me happy, just to make me feel comfortable and make me feel that I'm great. I'm so happy to have my wonderful grannies with me; they're just there willing to support me all throughout.

As I take on another year in my life, there are a lot of things that will change, but of course, all of those changes will be for the best. As the Lord give me another year to live, I will make everything worthwhile and let go all the grudges and restart everything so that it would be a prosperous year for me and for the people around me. I know I have made a lot of mistakes and that's how I learned everything. That I needed that to improve and be better. I'm taking the added year in my life in great manner and with full of conviction, this is me going to be matured about stuff in my life - in all aspects of it. This is me, concentrating on the present and what I have right now, getting ready for the future and letting go of the past but surely learning from it.

A big THANKS to everyone who has been a great part of my year and I will surely see you all around as I take on this life a year older. Same old-funny-shy Cai as always but definitely letting go of those nega-mean-girl-childish spree. We learn, we take on and move on…And yeah, this isn't just luck, this is God's will.

I'm sincerely touched with the greetings and messages I received the moment I woke up this morning. ♥ :) I also received greetings from people I didn't even imagine remembering my birthday...or probably Facebook had to remind them. Haha. Even the simplest of things make me happy. Even if your greeting was a "Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V" greeting, I couldn't care less. I'm still thankful since they took the time to greet me through wall posts. I got extremely ‘kilig’, thanks to my friends who called earlier just to greet me a happy birthday. I want to jump up and down and go inside the line to reach the other line just to hug, kiss and thank you guys! :* :) I still can't believe that you guys exerted sweet efforts to greet me; I do swear it really matters and well appreciated. And thank you also for all the cyber greetings, hugs and kisses on Facebook and Twitter. :) It is just so priceless that I couldn't grasp enough air to say thanks and I couldn't find the exact words to express and to extend my more than thankfulness aura to everyone who greeted me today. I must not shed a tear. T_T

Thank you to everyone who was became a part of my birthday. Thank you to those who were a part of my previous year. As I ended that 22th episode, I hope you're still gonna be a part of this fresh new chapter. I wish I could get the chance to hug all of you 'cause you made my day extra special.

And if anyone of you is celebrating his/her birthday too... Happy Birthday! :)

With that being said, I bid you adieu! Need to pack my things now because of my out of country trip tomorrow and see you after a week! :)

A Quarter Life Celebration

From Thought Catalog by Sarah Mccartan

Typically in the days leading up to my birthday, I find myself retreating and getting wrapped up in my own head a bit too much. Rather than just being my usual level of pensive, I give in to my excessive tendency to think, rethink and over think each breath and every decision I have or haven’t made throughout the past year, and then proceed to beat myself up for what I consider to be my shortcomings. I know. Healthy, right?

Rather than counting my triumphs, I add up my pitfalls. I become buried in nostalgia, and lost in longing. When milestone years loom, this behavior tends to be the worst. Meaning, I had an especially hard time last year in the days leading up to turning the big 2-5.

Oh the dreaded “quarter life crisis.” Yes, that thing.

To combat the impending crisis, I decided to throw a dance party celebration, fittingly titled, “Quarter Life Crisis//A Dance Party Celebration.” You know, just to take the edge off. It had all the staples any little girl could ever dream up—kegs of PBR, gin and cranberry cocktails, a DJ, fog machine and even a koala head with laser light eyes. Oh, and unicorns.

Now that I am almost to the other side of my so-called quarter life crisis, I can look back and say that while this year was filled with intense periods of self-doubt, as well as unexpected waves of hard to stomach surprises, scares, and losses, there was and continues to be much more to celebrate, than there is to mourn.

This year I’ve become more accepting of myself for my heart’s desires. And more willing to take the necessary steps to follow after them. And far less concerned as to whether or not anyone in the rest of the entire universe understands. If there’s been one constant in my life thus far, it’s that everything that means something to me has come with a price, or a hurdle, a seemingly insurmountable barrier, a challenge, or a chase.

I know what you are thinking. It’s the age-old “thrill of the chase” syndrome. I used to wonder the same. But I’ve realized that it runs far deeper than that. Truthfully I would rather die trying for or simply caring about something or someone that means the world to me, than live abundantly for nothing at all. This goes for my personal life, as well as professionally.

Speaking of professionally, since there’s always money in the banana stand (thank you for reminding me Arrested Development), five weeks ago I took a leap of faith and quit my full-time 9 to 5 job that I had become engulfed in for the past year and a half.

“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”

This quote that I stumbled upon in a book I am reading by Bob Goff pretty much sums it up.

Immediately after quitting, I went through the “five stages of grief” in about, oh, 48 hours. I realized I had nearly forgotten how to function not being burnt out creatively, or being bombarded with emails constantly. I was profoundly disappointed I let myself be held hostage in a world that put money over principle, politics over human interest. I was sad feeling as though I had lost some of myself. I then became hell bent on getting that self back.

I attended a high school graduation last week. Here, my little (might as well be) sister gave her salutatorian speech. Midway through she referenced an article she had recently read with a quote we’ve all heard many different renditions of throughout our lifetimes. A quote that doesn’t get fully realized enough.

“If you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life.”

Four weeks ago I began writing full time for the alternative weekly newspaper I had been serving as a contributing arts and entertainment writer for.

This weekend I went as media to Hangout Music Festival, just a little hop and a skip from my Florida town, over the state line into Alabama. Saturday night, after watching Tom Petty perform in clear view from the front of the VIP/media area for over two hours, and as closing fireworks lit up the night sky, I felt like time was standing still. I turned around and watched people jump and splash into the VIP pool like a bad Spring Break beach party movie.

Here, amidst thousands of people on the beach, as the sweet winds of the South blew across my face, I had a moment of silence and thanks, for the privilege to soak up these sights, sounds and sentiments that I have the honor of experiencing—that others may not ever be afforded the chance to. It’s moments like these I have to pinch myself to a) make sure I am alive b) make sure I remember what these moments feel like.

With all the pain and sudden tragedy that strikes in the world, and even the loss that I’ve witnessed, or felt in my own life, there is no reason not to celebrate every single moment of simple joy that has been given to us. In fact, it’s a shame not to. My hope is that I can better remember how to embrace these moments of excitement, gladness and awe just like I did as a child, oh so sweetly, innocently and genuinely, instead of worrying about what is or isn’t coming next.

As 26 approaches, I can’t say I’m closer to figuring “it” out, but I can say that I’ve decided that “it” doesn’t look like something that’s for me anyway. I enjoy the uncertainty, the freedom, the mystery, the grace and the difficulties that make up my life, and the bumpy off-road route I’ve chosen to navigate down. I don’t know any other way to journey.

I don’t want to know any other way to live, other than being myself, and believing that’s enough. I am okay with not having anything mapped out with a level of certainty, past doing what I feel called to do, creating work that is meaningful, seeing where that takes me, going when I feel called to go, and trying to be more honest and open with myself, my loved ones, and the world around me in the process.

This hasn’t been my quarter life crisis. It’s just life, which happens to be a kick ass lesson (and sometimes crisis) in itself.

In the days leading up to 26, I am making a valiant effort to not derail from my quest of taking more moments to stop and be still and thankful, and celebrate each experience that I may never have again. Good or bad, happy or sad.

This may not be enough for you, but I’ve realized that it is for me.

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So, here I am, by suddenly coming across with this article, or maybe this exactly what I need my life at the moment. Like the writer, I am also celebrating my birthday in like four days. Whatever the reason, I’m just like her. I am currently going through my own Quarter-Life Crisis…at the ripe old age of becoming 23 years young. Age aside, during this time when you’re about to age a year older it seems simultaneously everything is ever-changing, options seems endless, decisions become complicated and TIME is just flying by.

These are the time you adjusting to become a mature adult and everything it entails, responsibility and independence (especially financially). These are the time finding a job is tough and scary because you either find something you really love or realize that you are going to start something you’d never thought you are doing. These are the years where you learn to question everything and anything, especially yourself and your capabilities. But when you DO and find some clarity in this mad, mad world or at least some sense of direction or have even one person who can relate and will support you and help you carry the weight you receiving, who will tell you, “you can do this, I’m just here!” with a little tap in the back or just a simple hug, then it make everything more bearable and a little bit easier…Eventually, all of us are struggling this type of crisis once in a while. I believe that with a bit of patience and positivity we will find that one thing.

Happy Birthday, Daddy!!!

This day of the year is one of the most special days in my life and will always be; today's my daddy's birthday. Yes, that's right, I said Daddy. I don't care how old or "grown up" I get. I will always be a Daddy's Girl. He isn't my father, not even my dad. He has ALWAYS been and will always be my Daddy. And today is his birthday!

We always speak about mom, how much she cares and how much pain she takes right from giving birth to us but there is a MAN who always supports us and the entire family without saying a word and with least expectations of recognition, 'DAD'.

The chemistry between me and my dad has always been like a bestfriend. He's my everywhere and everything buddy. :) You were the first man I loved, and the one I compare all others too. Your support and guidance have helped mold me into the person I am today; he has done so so so much.

I LOVE YOU, DADDY!! I'm sorry for being such a naughty daughter, especially on my bad driving skills and multitasking while driving. Sorry for being "pasaway" kid sometimes. Hihihi :P I never told you how much I love you and care about you but I want to take this opportunity and through this blog I wanna say YOU are my hero and no one on this earth can ever take your place in my life. 

LEFT: "PAST" I was about 5yrs.old. RIGHT: Me & daddy today! :)

I wish you the HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS!! HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY!! :)) Thank you for all that you do, and all that you are.

Happy Birthday, Mom!!

Dear Mom,

Surprise! Bet you didn't see this on my blog. :P You have been my biggest supporter since.....forever. You are the first to be excited about anything I'm doing. My mom is awesome. You might think I have to say that because she gave me life, but it's true...she really is awesome. Needless to say, I got some good genes. Hihihi (Don't worry, Dad. I love what I got from you, too.) But it's not just her looks that make her awesome, it's the love she shares. Her heart is bigger than big. Family means so much to her and it's something she's instilled in me, which I cannot thank her enough for. 

She's also a good mom, even though I'm all grown up. Although, let's be honest, do we ever stop needing our moms just because we become ourselves? NO. We need them more than ever as we get older. And I am glad that she is mine. There's not a thing I can't turn to her for, not a thing she wouldn't do for me. For that I am blessed. I am blessed to learn from the best.

Mom, THANK YOU over and over for everything you do and everything you are. Thank you for always having a homemade dinner on the table when we were growing up. Thank you for serving our family and church faithfully. Thank you for choosing Dad--who also serves diligently and tirelessly. You are both such remarkable people and I will forever be grateful for the blessing of having you as my parents.

Thank you for being supportive every step of the way as I have struggled and triumphed. Thank you for never making me feel the pressured in any big life decision I've made. I have always felt like you and dad have completely trusted me. That's one of the greatest gifts any parent can give a child.

Thank you for every sacrifice you've made on my behalf. Thank you for loving me through every tantrum (even though I don't believe that I could possibly throw fits!), every mood swings (What?!) hahaha and anything I ever did that caused you worry or concern or heartache. 

I LOVE YOU so much, Mom!!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Mom!!!! To the person who has been there for us through thick and thin, who never gets tired of taking care of us no matter what happens. WE LOVE YOU!!! :))

Love lotz, 

Cai :)

Twenty-Two and Grateful

22.

Just wanted to do a quick post on my twenty second birthday! Doesn't twenty-two sound so much older than twenty-one? Haha I feel like I'm finally becoming an adult.....

I am not an ageism freak. But, then I'll be removing the suffix "teen" in my age. In denial much?? Haha You must probably think that I'm overreacting or that I'm such a dense person. But it's not that. I'm just anxious. Afraid of the MORE BIGGER responsibilities attached to my age. No more excuses. No more alibis. I have to learn to make hard decisions and choose different choices. What scares me most is that I feel I'm not yet capable of big responsibilities. It's mind-boggling to think that I should learn to stand on my own feet which I'm slowly achieving it from day to day. I should learn to achieve things without the shadows of my parents.

Honestly, I wasn't looking forward to this date, 06/07/2012. I thought that it would be just the usual celebration of our birthdays. Unexpectedly, I realized how moving this moment is. I felt so loved. I felt how much God loves me. He radiated this love through the people around me. I have my wonderful parents who unconditionally love me despite of all my shortcomings and imperfections. I have my sister, my best "frenemies", who made me learn how awesome kiss-and-make-up is. I have my awesome best closest friends and barkada who always got my back through the winning and even in losing. They made me realize that I'm not alone in this journey. For that, I'm now ready to face life's challenges. It's not an overnight process. But one things's for sure. I'll be that person. Mature. Responsible. Independent. Day 1 of the process started 6 days ago. :D

Another wonderful year has been added to my life and I thank the Lord for his unconditional love, support and guidance despite all the disappointments and heartaches. Thank you to my family, and friends, for always reminding me to stay strong and to just enjoy life as it is. Thank you to all those who greeted me and for the people who gave me their little gifts I truly appreciate it! You guys definitely made my day extra special. At 21, I could say that I had the time of my life. It was sort of an experimental year for me. Nonetheless, I am very much grateful that I was showered with gazillions of blessings and opportunities, had experienced surreal moments, courageously took unimaginable risks and have met incredible people. 

As another year is added to my age, I simply wish that my knowledge be enriched and potentials be maximized, be brave enough to dare to go to the distance, boldly face crossroads ahead, and reach my aspirations. This year at the age of 22, I won't promise that I would stop complaining but this is what I am sure of.....I am more stronger and wiser than before and I owe it from all from what I've been through. I'm now looking forward for a great life ahead. LESS mistakes but MORE happiness. Whatever is destined to me this year, I hope it is in accordance with my heart's desires and will all be for God's greater glory. Goodbye 21!! Hello 22!! :))

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CAI!! I love you! You're awesome. Stay fabulous!!" :))

HUGS and KISSES to all those who greeted me on my birthday. A million thanks to all!!! :)) I really appreciate all your greetings thru text, those who called me up, those who greeted me personally, those who left comments in facebook and those who gives me gifts. SUPER THANK YOU!!! <3 :D

Yes!! I'm already 22. And I'm proud of it.